My birthday is fast approaching and I don't know what to do about it. I don't think I care about it, to be honest. Mum asked me what I wanted, and I drew a blank. I don't want a video game, because Steam ruined the special feeling of getting a new game when you can get 50 new releases with loose change.
I almost wish it weren't so soon, because it just puts pressure on me to decide something. Mummy and I are saving up to move out, so maybe just money towards that? I want some new boots, but only for the sake of new boots, not because I've seen a pair and I'm dying to have them. Likewise, with clothes. Though I do need new clothes, kinda badly...
Thinking about my birthday is making me kinda depressed, actually.
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Wednesday, 6 June 2012
The Big Kid
When you're a little kid there are always bigger kids who seem mean and scary, and it's intimidating being smaller than them, but for some reason you always look up to them in some way.
On monday mummy, E, L and I went to a giant indoor playground to have a big romp around. Mummy and |E stayed at the table because they felt like being boring while L and I played on the slides and squishy mats and things. I've never spent any time with L, but we were mostly alone in this big labyrinth of a playground, and it was surprisingly fun running around with him. It was like making a new friend, who was The Big Kid. He even gave me some advice about being a little, which was really cool, and which may probably stop another accident like the one where I broke my knee.
This is a strange new world I've found myself in.
On monday mummy, E, L and I went to a giant indoor playground to have a big romp around. Mummy and |E stayed at the table because they felt like being boring while L and I played on the slides and squishy mats and things. I've never spent any time with L, but we were mostly alone in this big labyrinth of a playground, and it was surprisingly fun running around with him. It was like making a new friend, who was The Big Kid. He even gave me some advice about being a little, which was really cool, and which may probably stop another accident like the one where I broke my knee.
This is a strange new world I've found myself in.
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Solitary
Getting used to sharing your life when you've existed on your own for so long is hard.
I've been with mummy for over a year now, and I'm still getting used to her being a presence in my life, even when she's not around. This has nothing to do with being D/s, either. It's just... being partners.
There is this idea in my head where I'm faster or better on my own. I don't have to move at someone else's pace, I can move when I feel like it. Even the idea, to some degree, people just get in the way sometimes. I'm used to being a rather solitary creature. I like it. But I also like being with mummy, and sharing my life with her.
A while ago I told mummy that I was disappointed about what she was doing with E because it meant that it won't just be us anymore. From my perspective, that means there's more to trip over. From her perspective, there's more support.
I'm not sure what conclusion there is to draw here. Maybe it's a good thing to expand your life to include more people like this?
We, as a... family, I guess... no, that word is a bit strong. We as a circle seem to work. The four of us. But... I still feel like the odd one out. I don't know these other two people. I only know them through mummy. And that wouldn't bother me, but the fact is this is a long-term thing, maybe permanent.
Again, I'm the odd one out, and again, I'm at the disadvantage.
I'm trying to stay positive. Because I know this could be a good thing, not just for mummy, but for me. I just don't think I'm at a place there I can see it yet. But I'm trying. And I trust mummy. We, as a circle, had a day out, and it was really fun. Strange, but fun.
I've been with mummy for over a year now, and I'm still getting used to her being a presence in my life, even when she's not around. This has nothing to do with being D/s, either. It's just... being partners.
There is this idea in my head where I'm faster or better on my own. I don't have to move at someone else's pace, I can move when I feel like it. Even the idea, to some degree, people just get in the way sometimes. I'm used to being a rather solitary creature. I like it. But I also like being with mummy, and sharing my life with her.
A while ago I told mummy that I was disappointed about what she was doing with E because it meant that it won't just be us anymore. From my perspective, that means there's more to trip over. From her perspective, there's more support.
I'm not sure what conclusion there is to draw here. Maybe it's a good thing to expand your life to include more people like this?
We, as a... family, I guess... no, that word is a bit strong. We as a circle seem to work. The four of us. But... I still feel like the odd one out. I don't know these other two people. I only know them through mummy. And that wouldn't bother me, but the fact is this is a long-term thing, maybe permanent.
Again, I'm the odd one out, and again, I'm at the disadvantage.
I'm trying to stay positive. Because I know this could be a good thing, not just for mummy, but for me. I just don't think I'm at a place there I can see it yet. But I'm trying. And I trust mummy. We, as a circle, had a day out, and it was really fun. Strange, but fun.
Friday, 1 June 2012
Processing
Mummy and I had a scene today, and it was rather intense. Probably the hardest I've ever gone.
I enjoyed it. I wanted to do it. But... it was so hard. A lot harder than I was expecting. I safeworded a few times, and said I was ok to carry on afterwards. And then... something broke. Mummy did a few really hard hits with the cane, and I was at my threshold, but I don't think I knew it at the time, and then came more hits that were harder, and I... fell apart, and cried, and broke down a bit. It took me past what I know I can handle, and... scared me. I kept crying and crying for ages, and I finally stopped while mummy was hugging me, telling me I was a good girl, and that she loved me, while I just pressed into her in a headspin.
Unlike any previous scenes, I didn't float. I didn't drift off into That Place I go when I take pain like this. I felt it all. Mummy was going hard, and changing things, so I had no way of getting a read off it, and get used to it, or anything. I had no stable ground to hold onto, until finally it all crumbled and left me as a helpless, crying mess.
It was hours ago now, but I'm still... shaking. And thinking. And... still randomly crying sometimes.
Any form of talking is too much on my mental state right now. We went out for dinner afterwards, because I don't want to deal with my mother tonight, and when we got to the mall I asked mummy what she wanted for dinner, and she said it was up to me. And I just glazed over, and kept asking her what she wanted. At the time, I couldn't even come close to communicating what this was, and frankly I don't think it was a good idea at all to have left the house, but it was the lesser of two evils. I was so confused, and lost. Mummy is supposed to make decisions, right? Why isn't she now?
Eventually I just... made a decision, and went to McDonald's because it took the least effort to do.
I feel like there's some kind of wall between me and reality right now. Like something is weird. I had to fight off several panic attacks tonight, and despite not floating, I've crashed several times. And these are hard crashes. I was leashed to the bed after the scene because I just wanted some alone time, and I started crying but didn't, and don't, know why. I was just a mess, crying into my pillows, hugging my soft toys.
Right now, writing this... helped. I haven't had any alone time before now. I couldn't articulate anything before, because I haven't had time to think.
I keep wondering, and thinking... maybe we went too hard? Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of stuff? Perhaps it's more getting used to the escalation of it all, and realising and remembering that if you want to go harder, you gotta go further.
I enjoyed it. I wanted to do it. But... it was so hard. A lot harder than I was expecting. I safeworded a few times, and said I was ok to carry on afterwards. And then... something broke. Mummy did a few really hard hits with the cane, and I was at my threshold, but I don't think I knew it at the time, and then came more hits that were harder, and I... fell apart, and cried, and broke down a bit. It took me past what I know I can handle, and... scared me. I kept crying and crying for ages, and I finally stopped while mummy was hugging me, telling me I was a good girl, and that she loved me, while I just pressed into her in a headspin.
Unlike any previous scenes, I didn't float. I didn't drift off into That Place I go when I take pain like this. I felt it all. Mummy was going hard, and changing things, so I had no way of getting a read off it, and get used to it, or anything. I had no stable ground to hold onto, until finally it all crumbled and left me as a helpless, crying mess.
It was hours ago now, but I'm still... shaking. And thinking. And... still randomly crying sometimes.
Any form of talking is too much on my mental state right now. We went out for dinner afterwards, because I don't want to deal with my mother tonight, and when we got to the mall I asked mummy what she wanted for dinner, and she said it was up to me. And I just glazed over, and kept asking her what she wanted. At the time, I couldn't even come close to communicating what this was, and frankly I don't think it was a good idea at all to have left the house, but it was the lesser of two evils. I was so confused, and lost. Mummy is supposed to make decisions, right? Why isn't she now?
Eventually I just... made a decision, and went to McDonald's because it took the least effort to do.
I feel like there's some kind of wall between me and reality right now. Like something is weird. I had to fight off several panic attacks tonight, and despite not floating, I've crashed several times. And these are hard crashes. I was leashed to the bed after the scene because I just wanted some alone time, and I started crying but didn't, and don't, know why. I was just a mess, crying into my pillows, hugging my soft toys.
Right now, writing this... helped. I haven't had any alone time before now. I couldn't articulate anything before, because I haven't had time to think.
I keep wondering, and thinking... maybe we went too hard? Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of stuff? Perhaps it's more getting used to the escalation of it all, and realising and remembering that if you want to go harder, you gotta go further.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Staring down an inanimate object
What is it about chastity that I like? Why is it so frustrating to not be locked up? Mummy already owns my genitals, and decides if/when I get to have an orgasm, isn't that enough?
I miss the physical reminder that it gives. I like having no choice in the matter, it's why I gave it to her. And it's... difficult to rely on willpower alone. I've been incredibly horny lately, and I don't know why, but I've been good, and asked mummy if I was allowed to touch myself (because she's not here).
Mummy said she misses it being locked up as well. But I've been frustrated and angry at the device we have, because it keeps giving me bruises or cuts. Which is really stupid, because what I'm angry at is a piece of metal. I can't give it the silent treatment, or talk it into behaving. And that's why I'm going to lose this battle.
I've been trying to tell myself for a few weeks that I don't really want it locked up. But I do. I really do. And I want mummy to have the key.
I miss the physical reminder that it gives. I like having no choice in the matter, it's why I gave it to her. And it's... difficult to rely on willpower alone. I've been incredibly horny lately, and I don't know why, but I've been good, and asked mummy if I was allowed to touch myself (because she's not here).
Mummy said she misses it being locked up as well. But I've been frustrated and angry at the device we have, because it keeps giving me bruises or cuts. Which is really stupid, because what I'm angry at is a piece of metal. I can't give it the silent treatment, or talk it into behaving. And that's why I'm going to lose this battle.
I've been trying to tell myself for a few weeks that I don't really want it locked up. But I do. I really do. And I want mummy to have the key.
Sunday, 27 May 2012
The Lightning Rod
Since I got my boots I've pretty much worn them exclusively when out presenting as female. I love them so much.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.
When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...
Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.
What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.
I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.
Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.
When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...
Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.
What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.
I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.
Thursday, 24 May 2012
Service mummy
Tonight, I was completely wrecked when we got home. We came in, and I said I needed to do the dishes (there was a lot) and feed the dog. I go out and feed the dog, and sit down at the computer to take 5 before I start the dishes. Then I hear mummy start the tap, and move some stuff around. She was about to do everything, and she said she didn't mind, and I should just sit down for a while.
But it felt.... weird. I'm the one who serves her, aren't I? Why was I sitting down, and relaxing, while she does the dishes? I tried to just relax like she said, but I couldn't. This was a new experience, one that came out of the blue.
I like serving my mummy. And to have her serving me is... wrong. So I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do (after coming out a few times to understand that she was ok doing the dishes herself). She said I could help dry things and put them away. So I did that. And I felt much better about it.
Silly mummy. Girly's are for service.
But it felt.... weird. I'm the one who serves her, aren't I? Why was I sitting down, and relaxing, while she does the dishes? I tried to just relax like she said, but I couldn't. This was a new experience, one that came out of the blue.
I like serving my mummy. And to have her serving me is... wrong. So I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do (after coming out a few times to understand that she was ok doing the dishes herself). She said I could help dry things and put them away. So I did that. And I felt much better about it.
Silly mummy. Girly's are for service.
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