New piercing

Yesterday I went out and got a new piercing. Nothing fancy, just in my ear. I've owed myself a new one for almost a year now, but my industrial was being a little bitch and refused to heal properly, but since that's now healed up I took the plunge for a new one.

I have meaning behind my piercings, and this one is no different.

It's to help me fight the Monsters, and it's there to remind me that I can do scary things by myself, and that I'm strong and capable. It's also there to remind me I'm not being abandoned, that I'm loved, and wanted.

This is my 6th piercing (or 5th depending on how you score the industrial). I like to think it's rather symbollic that this was the easiest to get done so far: it hurt the least and I didn't even come close to throwing up.

The revelation

Everything I've heard about being a slave means that you're your owners property, and that you can't even breathe without them saying so. You have to be near them at all times, and do everything they say all the time.

This sounds fine on paper. But day to day? Hardly practical.

I've been freaking out about Serina and E persuing this slavery thing, because I felt like there would be no room in her life for me anymore. This is just not true.

I always figured she would have little to no downtime, and wouldn't be online anymore, wouldn't see me much anymore... wrong. She wants E to be her support, her guide, her push, her drive, her strive to be a better person.

There will be room in her life for me, and not just because E says "go play with that girl you used to hang out with", but because there's actual room here for me.

After I hit this little revelation, I felt my mind go FWOOOOSH, and I was floating. It was like every planet had lined up, like some hardcore drug had just kicked in, like something had flicked on in my head and was somehow that goddamn fucking thing I've been waiting to trigger to make me see some way through this whole thing.

And now I get it.

The bottle neck problem

Today was a nice session with my psych. We talked about the physical stuff that happens with my body when I go into total-panic mode, like when I'm at Centrelink. Since I'm prone to forgetting things like this, I thought I'd write it down.

I don't remember the names of the places, but in the brain, different parts control different things. There's a part in the centre of the brain that process emotion, I'll call it the Walnut, and then it moves onto logical thought. But when people are in panic-mode not much makes it past the Walnut, because it just can't process that much, which is why traumatising things often come off as a blur when trying to remember them. This is what happens to me when I'm in Centrelink.

I totally flip my shit, get extremely over-stimulated, shut down and go into auto-pilot.

This makes me feel a lot more comfortable, knowing this. There's a physical thing behind this. You know why else it makes me comfortable? It's common. It's measurable. It's tangible. It's... real.

Push

Since Serina ended out D/s side I've been less inclined to just do what she says. Which seems odd because now she wants to really help again.

Last night she tried to talk me out of trying to fix Centrelink by myself and to let her do it with this magic form we could get that basically lets her interact with Centrelink for me without me needing to be there. It feels like giving up to me, like letting my fears get the better of me, like admitting I'm weak. I eventually caved, and we'll start it next week. I kinda hate myself for it, it makes me feel like I can't do anything myself.

But she was so fixed on getting me through this, and I said I don't really know where the line of a supporting lover ends and a Mistress starts. And since we're no longer D/s it seemed kind of... weird that she now has the drive to push me through something like this again. I get why she couldn't do it before, but the week after we stop she can suddenly do it again.

But maybe what I need is unreasonable. If what I need is for someone to just do it for me, is there even a point getting help? There's a difference between help and doing it instead. I'm so quick to belittle my own abilities so I don't even try most things anymore, so when someone tries to get me to do these things I tell them there's no point because I believe it myself. I saw the direct result of that on monday when I made Serina cry, and it sucked. It just takes too much effort to move something that doesn't want to move.

Bye hair

Serina and her potential master start their journey today. The first thing they're doing is giving her some kind of haircut. Maybe some colour. Only one person knows for sure.

I love Serina's hair. I think it looks awesome on her, and suits her. And now it's gonna be different. I think I know the kind of hairstyle her potential master likes (I'll call him E from now on) and it really stands out. Part of why I'm worried is because there's the possibility that Serina will hate it. Or I'll hate it. Or it'll make her feel more self conscious than before. Another part of it is that he's changing something I love about her, and I have to sit in the corner and deal with it. What if this is the first change like that of many?

She hates her hair though. That's why she's doing this, why she asked E to do this. It's kinda why I like it now though: it used to be really long, and she absolutely hated it. I like seeing her short hair now, and seeing that's the product of her doing something for herself. But I guess this is just another method of going through with what you want, right? It's hard to remember that though.

I took a picture of her last night so I could have the latest photo I could get before the change, so if I hate it I can just look at this picture.

Getting a firm grasp

Serina and myself have been going through some bizarre channges. We've almost broken up this week, but we stuck to it, and we feel a bit better about everything now.

Serina keeps saying it's because of communication problems, and that we're both at one place when we thought we were at a totally different one. Which is totally true. And thinking about it by myself in the alone time I get before she wakes up, I see that a big part of it is that my wants and needs have progressed and changed slightly, but without me realising. I can't really talk for her, but she gave me that feeling about her as well.

We're not totally fixed. We're not completely stable. It's more like we're relearning each other, what we want, and seeing where this takes us.

Monsters

So since I know it'll take an eternity to make any progress, I've started looking for another Dom immediately. The first thing I did was to jump on FetLife and edit my page to say.... nothing.

There are no words that are coming out as to what I want, why I want it, or anything positive about myself. I went on CollarMe cos that place is fucked up and full of perverts, so I could be brutally honest to get some practice up because it just won't matter in a place like that. That didn't work either.

I looked through a bunch of other subs' pages to see what they wrote, and I'm left totally in the dark. It's like I'm missing some sort of feature that I didn't even know existed. Serina sent off a hundred thousand word document to her potential master about why she wants to do this, and did so multiple times. I got asked why I'd be a good sub by someone a while ago, and stared at him blankly, wishing the distance from the bed to the floor was enough to kill me. It wasn't, so it was really awkward for a while, until he finally broke the silence and just kinda said "forget about it".

I just don't really see anything of worth here. I'm a mess. I'm always confused, overwhelmed, stressed, angry... I feel like there's this black cloud always above me, or a swarm of tiny little monsters following me around, cursing me. They clutter up my headspace, and I'm in dire need of some real guidance.

After trying and failing, I realised maybe I don't understand this whole BDSM thing. So I asked Serina about it, and she linked me to something that didn't really help, and then said she doesn't understand what I don't understand about it all. Shit, I know this feeling. Then she said that saying I need help in my life is actually a draw. That blew my mind. How can that be something to display publicly? And better, how can that be something that attracts people? If that were true I'd have a line of Dom's around the block. So once again, square zero.

I feel like if I were really honest I'd scare everyone away. If I said I'm a mess and need constant help, I'd be shunned. On top of this, how am I going to get noticed? And what if the only ones who are interested are there for the wrong reasons, or aren't compatible with me? What if this is all too much to deal with for someone?

The worst part of all of this is the person I want is right there, but they don't want me in the same capacity...