I've been hanging out with a friend a lot lately. It's really nice. She understands depression, and has an open mind. I've been pushing that open mind a bit lately, slowly letting little bits of myself out, the kind of stuff I keep hidden from most people. Some of the stuff I write about here.
It's been really interesting. Everything I bring out is met with a smile, a nod, a question... but not disgust. Not repulsion. None of the things I expected to happen by this point.
I don't know if I hate myself, but sometimes I think that I'm too much. My sadness, or Monsters, or Walls, are too much for people to put up with. I think the worst part is that it's happened before, so it's not completely irrational. Even though I'm testing her open mind subconsciously, I think I should put some effort into stopping. While the content may not drive her away, the quantity and frequency might.
Still, it is nice to have someone see me. And I feel like I see her too. I've told very few people in my life about my breakdown 4 years ago, yet with her it was easy. Maybe it's because I know some of her damage, and know she would understand. The worst reaction someone can have after telling them something like that is confusion.
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