Acidic reframe

My new years night was interesting for me. I did some exploration, and felt like I had truly connected to my body in a new way. It's changed my perspective on it, and instead of seeing it as a blobby waste, I now see it as material I can work with.

I've had a goal for a while: fit back into my corset. But now I've added more short term ones that aren't to do with weight.

I want better legs, to have stamina, to get flexible. Working towards those will help achieve my main goal, and they actually have a use for me as well. I think I can make this work.

Mental break

Things have been stressful lately. Getting back into the radio is making my anxiety fluctuate, things with Centrelink are stressful, I need to see doctors because I haven't been on hormones in I don't know how long.

And now on top of all of that, it looks like I'll be moving in the near future.

I really thought about just not taking this place and waiting for things to die down. Do I really need all of that shit on top of moving and suddenly being independent and living off my own money?

But I realised that even after these things die down, there will still be something else later, or no house to move to, or just anything. I need to leave. I can't live here. I'm spending so much energy on just existing in this place, it's impossible to have any sort of life here.

Exit Planet Dust, part 2

I've finally managed to find a way out of this house and I'm terrified.

Living here is stressful and annoying and overstimulating... but it's all I've known. I've lived here for 23 years, and the longest time I've been away was 2 weeks. We never moved, I was a baby in the same room I still sleep in.

The prospect of moving out is... appealing but also scary. I have a large safety net here, and leaving it behind means, well, I'm on my own. I'll survive, I know that. And I guess I'm focusing on the idea of rent, where it will be a money sink. Which it is, but it's not just money that disappears. It's money that's being used to pay for where I live, my own place.

I also won't be alone: If all goes to plan, I'll be moving in with 3 other trans people, one of which I get along really well with, and the other two I like. I'll have my PC, my consoles, my games, my books, my music, my bed, my kink gear, my stuffed toys, my clothes, my art, my pills, my TV, my DVDs. I'll even get to cook for myself, and have food I enjoy, and be able to keep my own schedule without worrying I'm putting mum out by being up all night and sleeping all day.

I'll get to continue transitioning without worrying about family. I'll get to have people over. I'll get to have a relationship that isn't crippled by the presence of my mother. The rent is very cheap, so it's not like I won't be able to afford anything. I won't be cut off, quite the opposite. I'll be near a train station and I'm even on the same line as the one I'm on now.

But I'm still freaking out.

Raw burn

Last night was intense for me. I was in at the radio station, pretty relaxed like I usually am before a show because I know exactly what I'm talking about, and it's better to just be flexible while in the booth. However, 2 minutes until the show starts, we discover there's something wrong with the console.

Sonja starts freaking out, swearing, getting people to call people and running around trying to get things sorted, meanwhile the clock is ticking down. Eventually it just runs out, and we're thrown into a spotlight half-dressed.

I was getting rather nervous, mostly for Sonja's sanity, but then came time for my part in the show, and it's all a terrible blur of Um's and Uhhh's and that terrible feeling I used to get when I had to make a phone call. I suddenly felt like my face was on fire, it was hard to breathe, I had no one in this room with me when I'm used to having at least 2 people to pick up the ball if I drop it. I was flying blind. Thankfully, with my segment, I had a lot of material to pick from, so I just kept talking about what I know, hoping it was good enough and helped buy some time.

After what felt like several lifetimes, Sonja reappeared to help me out a bit, and slowly took back the show, and played an ad and a song, giving me a ton of time to go sit down outside the booth.

Sonja followed me out, and I had a small reception of people there tell me I did good, which made me feel great. After the show one of them told me I was hyperventilating during this, but I don't remember. All I remember was that I was sweating and shaking.

I went back into the booth after about 15 minutes to resume the show with Sonja, and I think the last half went really well.

When I got home, I just flopped into bed, listened to relaxing music and didn't do anything, and promised myself that tomorrow (read: today) I would take care of myself and just stay home and avoid stress. I did just that, and I'm feeling good.

This was by far my biggest anxiety attack this year. I was so stressed, and my emotions were shot. Afterwards I knew I was hungry, and that I wanted to go home, but I didn't really understand which was the priority, so I wondered back and forth between food places and my bus stop for 20 minutes before deciding food was more important, and I'd just get a taxi home if I missed the final bus (which I did)

But I'm proud of myself. I handled it, got through it, and knew what it took to make myself feel better. This would have killed me a year ago.

Satellite

My trouble relating to people is well documented here. It's not severe, or crippling, but it leads to very complicated and confusing places. I look at two people who meet, and seem to be friends. But I take a long time to get there with most people. Serina is probably the fastest I've considered someone a friend after meeting them.

For instance, very recently I've become friends with someone fairly new in my life, Cali, but I've known them for months. That's moving fast for me. We talk almost every day, mostly because we play World of Warcraft together. She's also trans, and knows I'm sexual, which also shakes me a bit. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, but I'm used to it scaring people or confusing them, so I rarely talk about it. But it's easy with her, and she also talks about her sexuality with me.

I look at my life, and the communities I'm in, and the people I'm surrounded by, and I see a very select few as friends. I enjoy the company of many people, and I get along with almost everyone at my group, but I've rarely seen anyone's house, and almost no one has been to my house. Not that that's a strict definition of friendship, I couldn't tell you what pushes someone over that imaginary line into my friendship zone.

But here's the interesting thing: I'm ok with it.

Lately, after seeing Serina's energy levels go extra crazy, as well as being around E again who also has energy problems, I'm understanding my own energy better. I'm introverted, people drain me, and there's nothing wrong with that. It would make sense, given that people drain me, I let a very select few be exposed to me on a regular basis.

I would enjoy having a circle of friends who I see constantly, and go out with, but it's more the idea I enjoy. I've had that before, and rejected it because I hated it. Staying at home most of the time, playing Starcraft and WoW and being on Skype makes me happy. Controlling who I talk to and how often I do it is becoming vital to my wellbeing, especially given that I'm now part of a radio show, where my job is to do exactly the thing that exhausts me.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

Lines and limits

Today I was tested.

One of the people who let me down a while ago was over, and we played, and it was fun. I checked with my potential Master, and he said sure fine have fun. After it was over, and she went home, and I got online, I told him that we would like to make it a regular thing, and he said he had problems with that. In short, he doesn't like open poly type deals, just within his circle, his family. Which I can respect, and understand the appeal of.

He also understands my perspective, and we pretty much agreed that this wasn't going to work, and that was that. No hard feelings, no anger, he just said "it's beset to be open and honest".

I've never had this happen before. All previous breakups of any kind have been a complete mess of tears and confusion. I was looking forward to pursuing this with him, but this is a real and valid reason a relationship can't work. I enjoy (at least the idea of) playing and having sex with multiple people, and he doesn't agree with that.

I never thought I'd draw a line in the sand and stick to it. I was tempted to pretend this part of me didn't exist, but maybe I'm growing up or something, because after 20 minutes of really thinking about it I realised I couldn't do that.

Feast or famine

Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for more crashes, but things have been looking up in my personal life. It's rather confusing to me, I've got 3 people vocally interested, in vastly different capacities, and what makes me happy is that they don't conflict with each other, so I don't have to decide what to do, because I can just do it all.

It's rather obscene, really. I guess this is just what happens when you take time off from the world and just look at yourself, and work on yourself. After all, I am in a type of recovery. I have things to look forward to outside of these people, I'm on the radio and doing quite a lot with it, I do stuff with my group...

But once burned, twice shy. I'll see when I get there, really. I hope things work out for once.

Future

My first radio show went really well. I was so nervous, but when it came time to actually talk it was so easy. The co-host of the show is super cool as well, and told me I'd almost definitely love to do a media course, and that really resonated with me.

I'd never thought about it before. For a while now, I'd always wanted to go back to school to do something, but I could never figure out what. In the last 6 months I've been getting really heavily back into film, and now I have a gig on the radio to talk about horror and share a huge passion of mine. A friend of mine, who I haven't seen in years, messaged me out of the blue saying this radio thing is the most perfect thing in the universe I could do.

So it all kinda makes sense right now. It just seems like the next logical step. Last time I went down this road, I did it because I had no idea what I wanted to do, and I really wasn't in a headspace to decide, so I just went with what people told me. But now... Even though this is all happening by luck and external suggestions, no one is pushing me into anything. If I don't do this, I can still continue my existence how I see fit.

I quite like this idea.

Movie geek's dream come true

Flaunting your passions has its advantages. A friend who works at a radio station asked me a month ago if I would be interested in going on a radio show to review movies, specifically horror movies. Of course I was interested, but my anxieties stopped me from jumping at it. I went in tonight to meet the host of the show, and sat in on a show, and I felt amazingly comfortable.

I talked to her afterwards and asked her what she wanted me to do, and a bunch of other questions, and was really happy with the answer. We got along great, geeked out about horror (which I haven't done with someone in 5 years).

Since this is a serious radio station, there are really cool perks to this as well. Free passes to movies, conventions, interviews... I might even get to meet a director or writer! If I do well, I might even be able to use this to move on somewhere bigger. I'm really daring to dream here when I say there may be a career somewhere here. Maybe. I would love to have my life focused around this.

My friend asked me about this because he knows I'm a horror nut, and thinks I'm smart. Which is flattering. I've loved horror movies pretty much all my life, so it's nice that there's the potential they can take me somewhere. I'm so insanely excited, but I'm trying to stay grounded and just go with the flow. If it doesn't go anywhere, then it doesn't. But I can still hope.

Physical

For a while, I'd been talking to a boy who was interested in meeting up with me for sex. I was hesitant to say yes, for a variety of reasons, some of which are tied up in the last few entries here.

It was a fantastic stress-relief, and a boost of self-esteem and confidence. I'd been going a little crazy from the lack of intimacy and physical attention in my life, and my ability to get it. It was kinda scary though, because I haven't done anything like that for years. He was nice though, and was understanding, and experienced.

When the time came for penetration, I lost my nerve for a minute, but I went through, and I'm glad I did. It was incredible. It sounds insane for someone who blogs about kink so much, but missionary position is fucking incredible. Having him on top, moving my legs sometimes, looking down... nothing else like it.

Too bad he lives so far away. Won't see him again for a long while.

Wanting isn't evil

I have trouble expressing what I want, especially when it comes to sex. I dealt with a lot of assholes when I was younger, who either disregarded what I wanted or ignored it. So I'm a bit hesitant to say what I want, because I'm not used to it mattering, or having someone use it against me. So when it comes to most of my life, I hide what I want. I pretend I don't want it.

This likely has a lot to do with my self worth, and even my weird passive aggressiveness with feeling ignored. It makes sense in my head: if I tell someone I want something from them, they will intentionally not give it to me to make me suffer, or set me up for a bigger fall later by agreeing and backing out later. Again, I can understand, in my head, how 99% of people won't do this with that motivation in mind. In my warped mind, by showing minimal interest I'll get what I want, because showing enough interest to do it, but not enough for people to hurt me from it, will get me what I want.

It's hard to remember when it happens though. It's so hard to remind myself they're not doing this to hurt me, and being hurt is just a result of it, not the intention.

I've been getting in practice with saying what I want, and it's rather freeing. I've been talking to a boy who's coming over monday, and we've both been saying what turns us on, what we like. I almost fell into my usual trap with him, and started to be really blase with him. But I was talking to someone about him, and their boytoy, and I realised that he wants this too. I didn't want to come on too strong, nor did I want to show I really wanted this, but I showed it to him today, and was received with massive positivity.

I feel good. I can't wait for monday.

Want and Confidence

On new years my friend dyed my hair black and blue. I never thought I'd have the confidence to dye my hair, I always thought I'd regret it and miss my brown hair. But I love it, and I love wearing it. It makes me feel better about existing in the world.

Years ago I got the idea to dye my hair, but I chickened out. What will everyone think? What will they say? Now, I don't really care.

I've also done something else that I've wanted for a while, and got my nipples pierced. The actual getting was awful, but made better by a wonderful piercer and Serina getting me lunch. Afterwards, though... the high I felt was intense. I was so proud of myself.

It barely even registered that I was topless in front of a stranger. Actually about 4 strangers, the piercer's boy was there and two students came in while I was taking a break and lounging around topless, they didn't react so neither did I. Maybe body confidence comes from accepting your own body, rather than changing it to what you want it to be...

Confidence is a really nice thing. It's kinda nice to be in a position where I can appreciate my own confidence, because I come from a place where I didn't have any.

Trust

These last few weeks have damaged my trust of people. Too many people have made promises they couldn't, or simply didn't, keep. I've basically quarantined myself from most of my friends, today being an exception because of TDOR, because being around some of them makes me sad and angry. I'm positive it will pass soon. But the damage to my trust has already been done.

Serina (ex-mummy) has re-entered my life with her typical clumsy crash, taking a coffee table out as she entered, and I'm rather happy she did. It's been nice reconnecting with her, but she's not immune to my trust issues. Because of recent events, and our history together, I'm keeping her at arm's length for a while, just like I am with everyone.

As for where we are, we are just friends. Although "just" doesn't really come into it. We work better as friends, as we've proven many times in many ways, so we're staying friends. Best friends, it seems.

The headaches have returned

In a mindframe similar to my new weekly ritual, I've started to lose weight. Or try to, anyway. I suppose this is just another aspect of me moving forward, since I've wanted to do this for a long time, but felt like the world didn't want me to.

So, the first thing I did was stopped drinking coke every day, a habit that creeped in again. Just like last time, I've started to get a headache at the loss of caffeine in my system. Also on the chopping block is chocolate, and most really sugary things in general. I've done this enough to know that the cravings are temporary, and today is one of the last days I should be feeling the intense cravings.

Since it's getting into warmer weather, I'm going to start going for walks and then move up from there. Hopefully I'll start feeling better about my body in a few months.

Wanna go look at dildos?

Watching someone's reaction when they look through a sex shop can be very interesting. Which things attract their attention, and for what reason. How they walk. How they act.

I took her to my favourite adult store, and to my delight she reacted like a kid in a candy store. Browsing through all the things in excitement, picking up some things for further inspection. Not even a little bit intimidated, but infinitely curious.

How she reacted to the BDSM section was, of course, the most interesting to me. I let slip a my interest in this, and she didn't shy away, nor ask any questions. She looked at harnesses, and masks, and collars, and exclaimed with intense glee "oh wow, gagballs!".

After a lap, we left at just the perfect time: immediately before it got boring. Then we had a nice walk in the city at night, and then a sit on a patch of grass, and got to know each other. Hard questions became easy answers.

I dropped her off at the station, found out she liked it when people played with her hair, hugged her goodbye, and said "Call me". I hope she does.

The cave gets an upgrade

I spent about 10 hours today cleaning my room and rearranging the furniture. It was a huge job, and I was surprised I didn't find anything completely disgusting in here.

I now have much more space to play with, and just a generally better looking room. Not it's not so cramped in here, nor embarrassing.

One thing that was a little strange was that since I was rearranging everything, I kept having to rehide my cane and paddle incase my mother walked by. I made sure to hide my bong in a very safe and secret place before I did anything else, so that wasn't a worry. It was kinda funny with the cane though, first it was behind my draws, then inside a curled up poster, then under my bed, then behind something else...

It's incredibly satisfying. I've wanted to do this for ages, but only recently found the motivation. It feels amazing. It looks amazing.

An interesting thing about cleaning up is that you find all these old things that remind you of people. I'm pretty used to my kink gear bring up memories, but I found some old cards from high school, and some things my friend from QLD made me, and it was really nice.

I even found some old drawings I did from 2003, and some of them are pretty good. In a way, it makes me sad that I never continued with it, but in another way, my style seems to have moved away from lifelike and realistic to more abstract interpretations. I've taken up drawing more lately, which is a really good thing for me. I'll post some here when I feel confident enough.

Rituals, or Healthy Body Healthy Mind

In my last relationship, the state of my body was pretty much irrelevant. It's nice in some ways, if I didn't feel up to shaving something (even my face) then it didn't matter. But I wanted it to matter, I wanted her to care. Like most things though, it wasn't met with much interest, so I just let it slide until I didn't care about it anymore either.

The last month, though, I've had a desire to care about my body. Every week, I put aside an hour or two, and shave everything below the neck, and lay in bed, naked and wet and tired, and just absorb the feeling. It's a hard thing to grasp, to feel positive about my own body beyond "it's just barely good enough" but ever since I started this, I've felt... sexy.

I've even gotten to the point where I've taken some new photos of myself for FetLife, and all have been met with positivity. Again, like my previous revelation, I'm not putting them up to gain validation from others. This is me flaunting newfound confidence.

The interesting thing is that this is all in my head, but that doesn't make it a bad thing. All I'm doing is shaving some hair. I'm not losing weight, or fixing my female voice, or even dressing differently. It's just... hair. Yet it's removal is making me feel good about myself, and my physical body. It's a strange new feeling to care about your own body in some way.

The concept of knowing almost too much on a subject

In a delightful contrast to my floundering about with makeup, there are things that I know a lot about. Team Fortress 2 is one example, where I know far too much on the metagame and can outclass most players with little effort.

Another example. which is the focus of this entry, is Marilyn Manson. I have all of their albums, I know almost every song back to front, I've seen them live twice, I have his autobiography, I have a lot of videos of interviews he's had over the years, his appearances on talk shows... I know a lot about him, the band, and a lot of the controversy surrounding everything he does.

It's at the point where I'm starved for The New. I feel like I'm near the ceiling of knowledge when it comes to him. This sadly results in me getting bored with the subject, because of my desire (need) to constantly learn, so if I can't learn more about something I move on.

Thankfully, I happened upon a book, Dissecting Marilyn Manson. I thought it might be interesting. At worst it'll be something to add to my library. At best I'll learn a few things about him.

I just finished reading it, and it's probably one of the most interesting things I've ever read.

What I expected was a mostly on the surface analysis, maybe some lyric quotes, something about religion and bam, instant book. What I got was a complete and total deconstruction of MM, his surrounding philosophies, Satanism, drugs, Alister Crowley, Marilyn Monroe, Charles Manson, The Beatles, gothic culture, industrial music, Nine Inch Nails, the antichrist, decadence, serial killers, David Bowie, glam, gender roles, gender stereotypes, childhood traumas, art, horror, sadomasochism, fetish...

The startling thing is that the more I read, the more I identified with him. Reading through the early chapters about Dr Seuss, I got a flashback to my year 12 art project, which was focused on Green Eggs and Ham, specifically bastardising it into a dark and horrifying book. I remember being obsessed with this idea, but I could never articulate why. The contrast is delightful, really. Such childlike innocence, placed next to horrifying images. Does it corrupt innocence, or shed light on the horror?

Either way, reading through the book (the book about Manson, not Green Egg and Ham) I felt my brain expand as I suddenly relearned old concepts, and figured out how they fit into my life. All of the information was there, but it was arranged badly, so I saw it wrong. What I felt was the pieces falling into place.

The biggest thing I got from this book is that it has given me an intense urge to create.

Dress ups

Over the last few months, I've been connecting with others a bit more. It's been extremely rewarding.

For the first time in over a year, I had someone who wasn't my ex at my house. I had an actual friend hang out here. Not that no one else has been here, but this is the first person to be here just for the sake of being here. Not to pick me up to go somewhere, not to borrow something. Just to be here.

It was so strange. I kept getting paranoid they'd find something disgusting about my environment. That my mother would harass them. That she'd never want to stay my friend.

As my usual route, I won't name the person, but I shall call them C. C came into my room to show her my Lego collection, and she was impressed, and nostalgic, which then spread to me when I realised just how much Lego I have. Then she spied my clothes rack. I don't have a wardrobe, or closet or anything, just a rack that has clothes hanging off it.

She loved all my goth stuff, so I asked if she wanted to try on my corset. She tried to hide her excitement at this suggestion (meanwhile I was visibly ecstatic I could lace someone up for the first time). So off came some of her layers.

I was somewhat amazed at her body. She is trans, male to female, but always looked and dressed so masculine. She absolutely definitely passes as female, and I can understand not wanting to flaunt femininity, but it seemed a shame, because she has a lot going for her, physically.

Anyway, I cleared a space in front of my massive mirror that my Big Sister gave me, and wrapped it around her. I pulled it in a bit to get in the slack, adjusted the position more, and asked "ready?" and she nodded. I pulled it, and she let out a gasp, and just as I was fixing the X's she said that was tight enough. So I tied it off, and stepped back.

I had forgotten how much fun this was. It's been forever since I've done this with someone. I've documented many times how I like helping out new transgirls, but these kinds of times I get a real thrill. Corsets are sexy, anyone who says otherwise is provably wrong. It suited her quite a bit.

After 5 minutes she had enough of it, so I undid her and she eyed another piece of mine. I left the room and she tried on this dress I have that's just barely too small for me (I bought it as incentive to lose weight) and again, she looked amazing. She is not the kind of person I'm attracted to, but she looked really hot.

She was super shy and awkward. It showed off a lot more skin than I think she was comfortable with, right now. But I think I've created a monster, I've given her a taste for blood. I really hope this was the push she wanted/needed to start dressing how she wants, cos she can definitely pull it off.

God damn. Dress ups are so much fun.