Just like last time, I wanted to make a note of the fact I had a blood test and didn't puke or feel dizzy, despite having a small anxiety attack in the waiting room before-hand. So here it is, yay.
But that's only part of today's story. I'm still feeling that fire, so I went to my doctor and talked to him about starting HRT again. Since I was forced to stop last time because I'd never seen a psychiatrist who cleared me for hormones, I went in thinking fuck it, I'll just bite the extremely slow moving bullet and get a referral and just have to wait the 9 or so months. So I laid it out for my doctor, and he said "Ah I see. Well it says here you were on progynova, so I'll write you another script for that and get your blood tested in a month to see how that goes."
Wait, what?
It turns out having a paper trail is actually handy. He didn't question it beyond what I took and how it felt when I was on it. So here I am, back on hormones, wondering if it was this easy all along. Then I'm reminded, no, it really wasn't. Part of it is being ready, and I wasn't until recently.
Showing posts with label hormones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hormones. Show all posts
Wednesday, 13 July 2016
Sunday, 10 July 2016
Abandon ship
I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.
It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.
I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?
Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.
Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.
It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.
I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?
Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.
Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.
Saturday, 23 April 2011
One year, pt1
A week from now marks one whole year on hrt. That means that today marks it being a year since I met my ex. The same ex who got me on hormones, taught me about lifestyle D/s first-hand and made me a confused mess for 5 months.
What happened is a bit of a mixed bag. If you were looking in from the outside, it was mostly all negative. But I think it's what I needed at the time. I'll spare the details about everything, because I'll be here all day typing, and frankly I don't want to remember some of the things that happened, much less cement them in writing. So, here's a summary of what I got out of the situation:
Playing with hormones makes you insane.
Leaning on someone is not weakness.
Polyamorous relationships only works with communication. Or more accurately: They don't work without much communication.
Avoid compulsive liars.
Listen to your friends, especially your best friend. (aka bros before hos)
Don't emulate people in an effort to change yourself. Especially when those people are in a worse place than you were before you met them.
Substance abuse doesn't just mean being addicted to drugs or alcohol, and just how bad it can be.
Anger is sometimes a healthy thing to express, as much as I hate it.
The trans community is a small world, and if you like it there, don't do something monumentally stupid with someone. You will see them again.
The difference between abuse and D/s.
Like I said, it seems mostly negative, but it was needed. I've learned from it, I've grown since and I like to think I'm a better person because of what happened. And as much as I hate her now, I still remember the good times, like when I was really sad about a friend and she came to get me, or when we just sat in my room listening to music in the dark talking about things.
The most important thing I learned from this experience: When the bad overwhelms the good in all ways, don't talk yourself into believing the good outshines the bad.
What happened is a bit of a mixed bag. If you were looking in from the outside, it was mostly all negative. But I think it's what I needed at the time. I'll spare the details about everything, because I'll be here all day typing, and frankly I don't want to remember some of the things that happened, much less cement them in writing. So, here's a summary of what I got out of the situation:
Playing with hormones makes you insane.
Leaning on someone is not weakness.
Polyamorous relationships only works with communication. Or more accurately: They don't work without much communication.
Avoid compulsive liars.
Listen to your friends, especially your best friend. (aka bros before hos)
Don't emulate people in an effort to change yourself. Especially when those people are in a worse place than you were before you met them.
Substance abuse doesn't just mean being addicted to drugs or alcohol, and just how bad it can be.
Anger is sometimes a healthy thing to express, as much as I hate it.
The trans community is a small world, and if you like it there, don't do something monumentally stupid with someone. You will see them again.
The difference between abuse and D/s.
Like I said, it seems mostly negative, but it was needed. I've learned from it, I've grown since and I like to think I'm a better person because of what happened. And as much as I hate her now, I still remember the good times, like when I was really sad about a friend and she came to get me, or when we just sat in my room listening to music in the dark talking about things.
The most important thing I learned from this experience: When the bad overwhelms the good in all ways, don't talk yourself into believing the good outshines the bad.
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