Exit Planet Dust, part ɳ

I don't know what number I'm up to in this series, whatever.

I had my first laser and electro sessions in years today. I've officially started my hair removal process, and I'm extatic, despite being incredibly tired and sore. But this post isn't about that.

I was terrified to move out, but I did it anyway. I don't remember much about my emotions during the searching process up until signing the lease on a place, other than fear and the occasional spark of excitement. I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to do this, which pushed me through it when I wasn't completely sure, or ready.

Since then... I feel like a completely different person. Or rather, I feel like a cocoon, and will some inevitable day turn into a different person. That metaphor fell apart fast. Anyway, I feel as if I can see the horizon, and it's incredible motivation. Suddenly all the little bits feel like meaningful contributions, and things make sense.

I've gotten more confident, I can mostly take care of myself (to at least prevent my death), I'm still learning how to do money but I have help, I've had weird and amazing experiences I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home. It all begins at moving out. 2016, despite being pretty terrible globally, was pretty amazing in my own bubble. There was a lot of pain and confusion, but I see those for what they are: hard truths and learning experiences.

I'm excited to see the future. For once it seems like something worth putting effort into.

Acidic reframe

My new years night was interesting for me. I did some exploration, and felt like I had truly connected to my body in a new way. It's changed my perspective on it, and instead of seeing it as a blobby waste, I now see it as material I can work with.

I've had a goal for a while: fit back into my corset. But now I've added more short term ones that aren't to do with weight.

I want better legs, to have stamina, to get flexible. Working towards those will help achieve my main goal, and they actually have a use for me as well. I think I can make this work.

The first time I saw a transgirl

Highschool was super confusing, and kinda numbing. I'd known I was at least bi for a few years and was a closeted crossdresser since then, out to very few. By this point I had made out with a guy, gone to a gay bar, and some sexual stuff.

I was at a pre-party with friends, getting drunk before a friend's birthday where a ton of people were going to be. I was tipsy and told my friends I liked wearing skirts, to which they said I should wear one for the night. And fishnet stockings. Sooooooooo... obviously... being the naturally timid and scared boy I was.... I did. I was rather drunk by this point, but it was incredible, freeing, terrifying and kinda liberating slash erotic

As if that wasn't pushing my adrenaline, I saw her. She went to our school right? I knew her, but she was different before. My friend said she had changed genders, and internally my heart did a backflip. That's a thing? You can do that? Could I...?

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know her and ask her what the deal was cos I want in. I didn't, I was scared. But at least I knew I wasn't alone, and was surprised that I had even felt alone with this feeling.

Mental break

Things have been stressful lately. Getting back into the radio is making my anxiety fluctuate, things with Centrelink are stressful, I need to see doctors because I haven't been on hormones in I don't know how long.

And now on top of all of that, it looks like I'll be moving in the near future.

I really thought about just not taking this place and waiting for things to die down. Do I really need all of that shit on top of moving and suddenly being independent and living off my own money?

But I realised that even after these things die down, there will still be something else later, or no house to move to, or just anything. I need to leave. I can't live here. I'm spending so much energy on just existing in this place, it's impossible to have any sort of life here.

Panel

A while ago I was on a panel at a convention in my city. It was amazing. I didn't write about it earlier because the entire thing, while amazing and fun, was completely exhausting and I haven't had the mental energy to really think about it until recently.

The panel was for queer geeks, and it was apparently the first of its kind in Australia. It was pretty amazing, and really scary, to be up on stage not only in front of what turned out to be 60 people, but I was sitting next to some rather amazing people who had done some great things. It was great to hear them talk about things, and see the crowd react well.

I didn't say much, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Towards the end though, someone asked a question about queer representation in media, and I suddenly had a lot to say. I said I'm trans, and that there's basically nothing in terms of relatable characters/stories out there, and mentioned a little flash game I'd played a while ago that was about someone's transition. Someone in the audience raised their hand for the microphone and he said that he'd played it to better understand his friend's lifestyle and I was completely blown away. I just looked at him and said that was completely amazing and this is why we need more things of that nature, and everyone on stage nodded with me and I saw people in the audience really taking on what I had just said.

It was... intense, and amazing. I was speaking in public and not making a dick of myself.

As nerve racking as it was, and even though my anxiety is completely opposing to this, I love the idea of doing this more often. I think I want to make a career within pop culture. Somehow...

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.

The show has just begun

Lately I've noticed how much I let my body stop me from doing things I want to do.

Last night I went to a kink event with a friend, and really wanted to play with someone, but always fell back on "but I'm all gross and hairy". I usually just resigned myself to this, but lately I've realised I can actually do something about that. I can get waxed, get IPL, do something to change it. But I haven't.

I'm not even sure why I haven't. Some kind of lack of confidence probably.

There's another event in a week that we're probably going to, so I have this week to do something about my body. Hopefully I won't talk myself out of it.

Compromise

I don't know where to start this. It's been around for a long time, and the amount it bothers me comes in waves, but it never really leaves, I don't think. I'm talking about how I interact with people.

I grew up being forced to have more social contact than I was comfortable with. More than just school, but family and seeing people outside of school. Eventually, my mum registered that I loathed being around people a lot, so she took the opposite route and let me be as antisocial as I wanted. Again, that's not good. It got it into my head that I can just blow people off, keep being alone and be happy about it.

But now... I think about all the people I could know and be friends with, and they're just strangers. This is a Wall, in the most literal sense, but it's also one of my strongest. Sometimes, I try to take a step back and look at the situation, and I think I can come close to understanding it, and thus find a solution, but it's almost like being in a labyrinth, where turning a corner only leads to another fork in the road.

But, I'm trying, and this is what I want to write about right now.

When I meet someone new, I see them as a very temporary object until they prove themselves otherwise. In other words, I put distance between me and them until they decide I'm worth the effort to close that distance. I place the burden on them to get to know me, when it should be a two way street in communication. While this does mean that anyone who does manage to bridge that gap is very valuable to me, it also means I'm turning away dozens of people in my life.

But why? Why is this my MO?

I have an extremely negative view of people. At some point in my life, I experienced something that made me think people are not worth effort. I think everyone is stupid until proven otherwise. I think they're uninteresting, ignorant, a deviant, will use me for something... I don't know. Sometimes I place the blame back on myself, but only in shallow ways that makes it sound like they're still the ones who would reject me.

So, essentially, I have a bias towards people before I even talk to them, let alone getting to know them. I usually try really hard to push past this and just accept new people into my life, but I rarely welcome anyone new as a friend. I can act friendly towards people, and hold conversations, but unless something big stands out about them, they usually just leave my mind when my eyes are off them.

Knowing all of this, and all of its implications and contradictions and many layers, can make things a bit easier. Like so many of my Monsters, though, it makes me feel like this way is right. Like I have high standards of what I want in a friend, but that's just not true.

It is not a compromise of myself to give everyone a chance to get to know me.

Maybe I'm the problem

Maybe she's distant because she's been having a hard time lately.
Maybe I'm being selfish for being angry at her for disappearing.
Maybe I'm the one not putting in enough effort.

I don't know why this has only just occurred to me.

Satellite

My trouble relating to people is well documented here. It's not severe, or crippling, but it leads to very complicated and confusing places. I look at two people who meet, and seem to be friends. But I take a long time to get there with most people. Serina is probably the fastest I've considered someone a friend after meeting them.

For instance, very recently I've become friends with someone fairly new in my life, Cali, but I've known them for months. That's moving fast for me. We talk almost every day, mostly because we play World of Warcraft together. She's also trans, and knows I'm sexual, which also shakes me a bit. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, but I'm used to it scaring people or confusing them, so I rarely talk about it. But it's easy with her, and she also talks about her sexuality with me.

I look at my life, and the communities I'm in, and the people I'm surrounded by, and I see a very select few as friends. I enjoy the company of many people, and I get along with almost everyone at my group, but I've rarely seen anyone's house, and almost no one has been to my house. Not that that's a strict definition of friendship, I couldn't tell you what pushes someone over that imaginary line into my friendship zone.

But here's the interesting thing: I'm ok with it.

Lately, after seeing Serina's energy levels go extra crazy, as well as being around E again who also has energy problems, I'm understanding my own energy better. I'm introverted, people drain me, and there's nothing wrong with that. It would make sense, given that people drain me, I let a very select few be exposed to me on a regular basis.

I would enjoy having a circle of friends who I see constantly, and go out with, but it's more the idea I enjoy. I've had that before, and rejected it because I hated it. Staying at home most of the time, playing Starcraft and WoW and being on Skype makes me happy. Controlling who I talk to and how often I do it is becoming vital to my wellbeing, especially given that I'm now part of a radio show, where my job is to do exactly the thing that exhausts me.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

Lines and limits

Today I was tested.

One of the people who let me down a while ago was over, and we played, and it was fun. I checked with my potential Master, and he said sure fine have fun. After it was over, and she went home, and I got online, I told him that we would like to make it a regular thing, and he said he had problems with that. In short, he doesn't like open poly type deals, just within his circle, his family. Which I can respect, and understand the appeal of.

He also understands my perspective, and we pretty much agreed that this wasn't going to work, and that was that. No hard feelings, no anger, he just said "it's beset to be open and honest".

I've never had this happen before. All previous breakups of any kind have been a complete mess of tears and confusion. I was looking forward to pursuing this with him, but this is a real and valid reason a relationship can't work. I enjoy (at least the idea of) playing and having sex with multiple people, and he doesn't agree with that.

I never thought I'd draw a line in the sand and stick to it. I was tempted to pretend this part of me didn't exist, but maybe I'm growing up or something, because after 20 minutes of really thinking about it I realised I couldn't do that.

Wanting isn't evil

I have trouble expressing what I want, especially when it comes to sex. I dealt with a lot of assholes when I was younger, who either disregarded what I wanted or ignored it. So I'm a bit hesitant to say what I want, because I'm not used to it mattering, or having someone use it against me. So when it comes to most of my life, I hide what I want. I pretend I don't want it.

This likely has a lot to do with my self worth, and even my weird passive aggressiveness with feeling ignored. It makes sense in my head: if I tell someone I want something from them, they will intentionally not give it to me to make me suffer, or set me up for a bigger fall later by agreeing and backing out later. Again, I can understand, in my head, how 99% of people won't do this with that motivation in mind. In my warped mind, by showing minimal interest I'll get what I want, because showing enough interest to do it, but not enough for people to hurt me from it, will get me what I want.

It's hard to remember when it happens though. It's so hard to remind myself they're not doing this to hurt me, and being hurt is just a result of it, not the intention.

I've been getting in practice with saying what I want, and it's rather freeing. I've been talking to a boy who's coming over monday, and we've both been saying what turns us on, what we like. I almost fell into my usual trap with him, and started to be really blase with him. But I was talking to someone about him, and their boytoy, and I realised that he wants this too. I didn't want to come on too strong, nor did I want to show I really wanted this, but I showed it to him today, and was received with massive positivity.

I feel good. I can't wait for monday.

Genuine positivity

I keep a diary, one apart from this blog. It's where I dump my crazy, whereas here is where I focus more on ideas and revelations. It's basically Unfiltered Ylatch, where I don't force myself to be positive or happy or even write with a purpose. It's just where I write what's on my mind, even if I've written it a thousand times before, even if it's depressing, even if it's a half finished thought.

Last night I was writing in it, moaning about wanting more kink in my life, when I wrote something amazingly positive and it only hit me well after I'd written it. I wrote a personal ad, after Serina suggested it, and I did it after a lot of stress, because I can't even begin to sell myself.

Unless it's an extremely slow boil, I got no hits. What I wrote about it was "at least I got practice in to actually say what I want". Which is true, it was good practice, especially for someone who doesn't ever really see good in themselves, or anything anyone else would want. I'm not even disappointed about the ad, because they never work anyway.

I keep flipflopping in my mental state and confidence. Tomorrow night a kink event is on that I've been invited to, but the closer it gets the less I want to go. At this point it doesn't even matter if I like the event or not, because I just need to get the confidence up, to show a bit more of myself in this community. Whenever I meet these kinds of people one on one, I have a great time, they're super friendly and awesome and make me feel good about going to events. But at the events, the people are... it's like highschool again. Everyone is in their own isolated circles, and it's fucking hard to break in.

Close. Far. Close.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, years, maybe over a decade. I didn't really want it to be true, because... it seemed too obvious. But I think I have some really heavy abandonment issues with no understanding of how to cope with them.

Whenever someone lets me down in some way, I usually just... ignore them, or avoid them, and if I have to interact with them I just do the absolute bare minimum. I get it into my head that they let me down on purpose, so they don't like me, so it won't matter if they think I hate them. But then, after being exposed to the person again for a while, I see that they don't hate me, and that almost all of this is in my head.

There's a really fucked up logic to this, in my brain. I feel like a dog, if I don't see someone for a while I get super happy when I do see them and basically wanna just hug them and wag my tail and stare at them for a while. But if they're the person that let me down, I feel like not being happy they're back is some kind of stupid punishment, where my sadness causes them pain. Which explains why it takes a phenominal amount of effort to do something positive for myself when I'm down, like playing a game or actually trying to be happy.

On top of that kind of "punishment", I also feel like if there's no repurcussion they feel like they can just do it again, and again. That might be true, but it's obvious I never actually communicate when I'm let down, and why. Instead, my stupid little ritual only makes me feel worse with no other results, because most of the time it just goes over the person's head.

This is what living inside my head is like. It's any wonder I want to leave the planet.