Close. Far. Close.

I've been thinking about it for a long time, years, maybe over a decade. I didn't really want it to be true, because... it seemed too obvious. But I think I have some really heavy abandonment issues with no understanding of how to cope with them.

Whenever someone lets me down in some way, I usually just... ignore them, or avoid them, and if I have to interact with them I just do the absolute bare minimum. I get it into my head that they let me down on purpose, so they don't like me, so it won't matter if they think I hate them. But then, after being exposed to the person again for a while, I see that they don't hate me, and that almost all of this is in my head.

There's a really fucked up logic to this, in my brain. I feel like a dog, if I don't see someone for a while I get super happy when I do see them and basically wanna just hug them and wag my tail and stare at them for a while. But if they're the person that let me down, I feel like not being happy they're back is some kind of stupid punishment, where my sadness causes them pain. Which explains why it takes a phenominal amount of effort to do something positive for myself when I'm down, like playing a game or actually trying to be happy.

On top of that kind of "punishment", I also feel like if there's no repurcussion they feel like they can just do it again, and again. That might be true, but it's obvious I never actually communicate when I'm let down, and why. Instead, my stupid little ritual only makes me feel worse with no other results, because most of the time it just goes over the person's head.

This is what living inside my head is like. It's any wonder I want to leave the planet.