I keep a diary, one apart from this blog. It's where I dump my crazy, whereas here is where I focus more on ideas and revelations. It's basically Unfiltered Ylatch, where I don't force myself to be positive or happy or even write with a purpose. It's just where I write what's on my mind, even if I've written it a thousand times before, even if it's depressing, even if it's a half finished thought.
Last night I was writing in it, moaning about wanting more kink in my life, when I wrote something amazingly positive and it only hit me well after I'd written it. I wrote a personal ad, after Serina suggested it, and I did it after a lot of stress, because I can't even begin to sell myself.
Unless it's an extremely slow boil, I got no hits. What I wrote about it was "at least I got practice in to actually say what I want". Which is true, it was good practice, especially for someone who doesn't ever really see good in themselves, or anything anyone else would want. I'm not even disappointed about the ad, because they never work anyway.
I keep flipflopping in my mental state and confidence. Tomorrow night a kink event is on that I've been invited to, but the closer it gets the less I want to go. At this point it doesn't even matter if I like the event or not, because I just need to get the confidence up, to show a bit more of myself in this community. Whenever I meet these kinds of people one on one, I have a great time, they're super friendly and awesome and make me feel good about going to events. But at the events, the people are... it's like highschool again. Everyone is in their own isolated circles, and it's fucking hard to break in.
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