Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Better Living Through Chemistry pt7

It's coming up on a year on The Pills and I still resent them and being on them. Almost no one knows I'm on them.

I'm regularly forgetting to take them for days at a time, so I feel really strange sometimes and wonder why.

I'm getting more depressed lately. I feel a lot of stress from things I'm not doing. One of the big signs that I'm depressed more is that I'm playing TF2 again, a game that doesn't really bring me a lot of enjoyment, but just lets me waste away the hours.

Tomorrow is a convention that I've been looking forward to for months, but here I am, the night before, wondering if I really do want to go and considering not setting an alarm so I can just sleep through it. Why, though? I know I'll enjoy it while I'm there, and I know it will be a great learning experience for me in terms of media and the radio show I'm on. But... I just don't care enough.

Normally with my one year threads I look back at the positives of it all and how things have gotten better. I don't think I'll be doing that this time. I still hate The Pills, and I hate being on them, and most of all I hate the time in which I started taking them.

BLTC pt6

Today was awful.

I didn't take The Pills yesterday, or today, because I ran out. I had a script, I just kept forgetting to get more until late this afternoon, and asked mum to give me a lift to the shops because she was going there anyway.

I didn't really feel any effects from not taking them, which I now realise is because I was so absorbed in a game that I actually forgot to eat. At least, that's what I thought at the time.

I got to the shops, and suddenly everything had a lag to it, and I could barely feel my body. I felt really floaty, and almost like I didn't really exist. Turns out getting so absorbed into that game was part of the disconnect I felt.

Finally, I was reunited with them, and took them right after dinner. But this has me rather worried. If this is what it's like to be off them for a day and a half, and The Pills are meant to be temporary... what the hell is gonna happen when I'm off them? Should I hold myself up in my room with two buckets and 10 litres of water and bar the door and window and just ride it out for a few weeks?

Another thing I've noticed about them is that my brain sometimes gets a huge lag on it. Words are slowly getting harder to produce consistently, and I'm mixing up spelling of basic words really badly, or I'm replacing them completely.

My brain is really weird right now...

More kink events

What an interesting weekend.

I went to a kink event again. And I had a lot of fun. More than that, I met someone, and even arranged a playdate with a very adorable twinky boy. He makes me giggle just thinking about him.

I've wanted to write about this for a while, but nothing... happened. I didn't have any revelations, any unique experience outside of playing with a TENS machine, no outrageously negative experiences. It was just a fun night with friends in a new fun environment.

I did take Jane, my dead elephant, for moral support, and she helped at the start when I was feeling a little nervous and unsure about the place. But I felt better, and eventually carrying her around was just a statement on my littleness, and not a safety blanket, which was a nice transition.

There was this one very surreal aspect of the night, at the very end. There was this cute topless boy getting tied up. The room they were in was tall, and had slow lights moving around making it seem a lot taller and alive, and there was a song being played that I listened to a lot when starting The Pills, so there's a weird association there and I felt like I was floating. It was all a very strange and it made me feel quite happy.

Afterwards, I spent the night at E's house with Serina, which was nice. Talking to her until very late and falling asleep. The next day, E and L were having people over, and that was a lot of fun as well. So many new people in just a few days.

Basically if this keeps up, kink events won't even be a Thing anymore. Which would be nice.

An invitation

Well... shit.

I got invited to a kink event by a friend. I hate it when this happens, because I consider going, and remember how shit I feel in those places. I debate with myself, bargain, push, and none of it pays off because I know there's really only two conclusions: I go or I stay home.

The problem with the Going result is that, well, I probably won't have a good time. I've tried before, I put more effort in than most people would in my position I think, and it didn't pay off. The friend who invited me isn't really the babysitting type either, so I don't feel like I have much of a safety net.

The problem with the Not Going result is that I waste all this energy trying to get myself to go, and it just makes me feel worse. I've already started spiraling out thinking about this, which is insane.

Part of me thinks I should go, to really test The Pills. To see if I really have changed, or if I'm just testing myself against trivial things.

I want to go, I want to have fun at these places. On top of that, well... it would be nice to meet someone.

The Log, and other things

The Pills are making me sleep way more than I used to. They don't make me tired, but when I'm asleep I'm down for a long time. Every night for the last 3 weeks I've been asleep between 10 - 14 hours. Today, I slept in through 3 separate alarms that were set to make sure I'd be awake early enough to go to my friends place to watch movies before we had to go to our transgroup meeting.

Well, obviously it didn't work, which is disappointing because my computer has died again, and she knows it's making me miserable, and invited me over to get me out of the house and get my mind off it. It's really sweet, and I'm frustrated I slept through spending more time with her. I sleep through a lot of things lately.

It's kind of nice, in a way. I know that when I go to sleep, I can stay there for half a day. I've been having a lot of different dreams, too.

Another thing The Pills are effecting is... not really my memory, but more my perception of time. I saw my friends earlier today, I know that for a fact, but it feels like it was a few days ago, or even last week. Yesterday feels like a week ago, and the day before feels so distant I barely remember it.

It makes my life right now very surreal. I feel like I've been writing this post for hours, but I know it's only been 10 minutes at most. In a way, it makes big events stand out more than usual, because I can still remember them really well, just not the surrounding stuff as much. It's actually made my mind a lot less cluttered, which is always a good thing.

And finally, I mentioned my computer being broken. It's making me pretty sad, partly because I may lose almost a decades worth of chat logs and irreplaceable pictures, but also because that computer is where I let off my steam. It has my video games on it, where I can finally let loose my aggression and anger, or just fade away and get lost in a world that isn't this one. Sure, I can just reinstall them, but they're all attached to Steam, so it will take a long long time until I'm back up and running if I have to start over.

The pictures and chat logs, however... those will be gone for good. I really don't want that to happen.

Falling free

I forgot to take The Pills yesterday. By the time I realised, I figured it was too late anyway, so I thought I'd just wait until the next day (today) to take em again. I'm still new on them, sure I can feel their effects and all, but what's one day?

Holy shit. Never again. Last night was fucking weird. I don't know if everything I felt was because I missed taking them, but I felt like total shit, and it's just not worth it.

It started off with a splitting headache, and then suddenly, my mood plummeted. Just straight down with nothing to stop it. For the first time in over 2 weeks, I was in bed on the laptop because I was too sad to do anything else. I've been reading some books, and I really wanted to continue them, but every time I glanced at them the last thing I wanted to do was reach for them, open them, and continue where I left off.

I got a message from a very nice person I've been talking to lately, and he made me smile because he is genuinely one of the most adorable and energetic people I've ever known, but any positivity he brought didn't last long. Eventually, the discussion just went to the depressing things that were on my mind, and I went to sleep, and started to cry. I don't even know why.

I still refuse to believe that was all because of The Pills, but again, I don't think I'll take the chance again.

Let's meet

Actually, let's not.

I've been talking to someone lately, and it progressed far enough to warrant meeting in person. This is great, I thought, this guy seems decent. We had a lot in common, in terms of kink.

So I asked where he'd like to meet, and he said my house. Um, no, that's not how this works, dude. Why not a cafe? Cafes are nice (and neutral and you're less likely turn me into a statistic), let's go to a cafe. Then, the bombshell: that's too public.

He does not want to be seen in public with me. He says he doesn't want people to know he's bi and kinky. After getting more info, it was clear he was referring to the fact I'm trans.

Dammit, this isn't fair. You can't have so much in common with me, and then be like this.

One strange thing about this is that I can definitely feel The Pills working. My normal reaction to this happening (he is the fourth person to do this) is to sulk for a few days in bed and maybe cry. Not crying over them, really, just crying because it's another layer of icing on the Shit Cake that is being transgender. But today, no tears, very little bed.

I can almost physically feel my thoughts bumping up against a wall, but not that type of Wall either. Maybe it's a new type of Wall, one that's keeping me from accessing the bad thoughts, but my brain is a creature of habit, and doesn't yet understand that there's now a Wall in the way, so it keeps going for them.

The result is me being very confused about my own headspace. Like I said, I can almost feel what's happening in my head now, because something about it has changed. I know what I would normally be feeling, and this latest one has been the worst of them all, so I should be a wreck. But I'm not. I've had a vent to some people, had a minor sulk, and resumed my day. It's not that I haven't felt the hurt, or sadness from this, but now it seems I can put it in it's place a lot better.

Better living through chemistry, indeed.

BLTC pt5

I went back to The Doctor yesterday, explained what happened, and not much was said about it.

He asked if I was feeling any effects from it, and I mentioned my sex drive disappearing almost completely. I remember back in high school, I hated my sex drive. I was really happy on the days where I felt nothing, and that's still the case. So these last few weeks where I've had no desire to touch myself, or anybody else, have been great for me.

Outside of that, my mood seemed to be picking up, but I don't know how much of that is because of the pills. Either way, I've been smiling a lot more lately.

However, the chemist I stopped in at on the way home didn't have what I needed, and I was totally out. I would have gone somewhere else, but my mother was expecting me to have done something before she got home, so I went home instead. And of course I only just get home with enough time to do that, and I sit down at the computer to relax and she comes home and gets angry that I'm so tired.

Oh well. At least I've got the pills now.

Better Living Through Chemistry pt4.5

Maybe I remembered wrong. No, the instructions are on the box.
Maybe I'm a week ahead of myself. No, I put it on my calander.
Maybe I dropped a tray of them. No, I'm always really careful.

I've almost run out of pills. How is this even possible? I thought doctors (especially this doctor) and chemists were always careful about this kind of thing. If I keep up the old amount per day, I've only got enough for 2 more days, and I see The Doctor on tuesday.

I'm so fucking frustrated about this. This wasn't even my fault. I thought The Universe wanted me on these things, but I'm getting so many mixed messages.

So I've halved the dosage to spread it out longer, and tried to get an earlier appointment with The Doctor, but he's full. I should just barely make it.

Better Living Through Chemistry pt4

It's been a week since I saw The Doctor, which means it's time to up my dosage. Two capsules a day, instead of one. Still not at a level, or amount of time, where I should feel anything though.

My mother still doesn't know. A combination of not wanting to have that conversation and her being unavailable. But she has to know soon.

Unless I feel something before then, this is going to be my last BLTC post until two weeks from now, which is when I should be getting upped to a dosage that has an effect.

Trial by Fire: BLTC pt3

I went to The Doctor today, and got the results of my magical blood test. Everything looks to be clear, kidney and liver are functioning just fine, hormone levels are good and doing what they're meant to... and I also came home with a new box of pills.

I'm nervous. I've heard so many horror stories, seen so many friends slip away. I can't say that I know I'm doing the right thing, I'm more hoping, and trusting. The fact that this can be stopped at any time is also comforting. Large safety net.

I laid it all out for The Doctor. Not really understanding the process, how I feel like I'm stuck in a hole, what I thought was going to happen last time... everything. I even said how unsure I was about doing this, but if they really can help then I'll give it a try. Then it got really casual, and he told me a list of side-effects and things to look out for, and how to know if it's working or not, and how fast/slow it would be. I said those are all acceptible potentials for me, and I understood the risks, and how to handle them.

I walked out of his office with a script and a short-term plan. I've never had a short-term plan before. I've never had any plan before... not one I've liked, anyway.

The way home was terrible. I felt... sad and alone. For some reason I had it in my head that everyone around me just knew what I had done, that I'm some kind of fuck up who can't function. I even had a panic attack on the bus home.

Right now I'm just remembering that, ultimately, this was my choice to make. I'm doing this because it has the potential to help me. I can stop at any time. I know what I'm getting myself in for. Now all that's left is to do it and hope for the best.

BLTC pt2 a

There was a post here, but I deleted it. Let's try that again now I've calmed down a bit.

I'm angry, frustrated, confused, scared, hurt and lonely. The doctor did not go as I had planned. I just wanted to go in, get some drugs and leave. Apparently that's not why we went. I thought that since everyone had been trying to get me on anti-depressants this whole time, it would be easy to do. No one mentioned what would actually happen.

The situation has gone from me begrudgingly going along with it, to having to actually be involved. Now I feel like I need to actually want this, rather than just cruise along because everyone else says I should do this. That's a struggle.

I remember something I said a while ago, about killing myself: the suicide rate for trans people is insanely high, being trans sucks and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but that's not why I want to kill myself. So I don't see the point in doing it.

There's a lot more there than I first realised. I thought that just meant I didn't want to off myself, but maybe there's more to it than that. If I really didn't care about myself, why would I be this far into transition? If I truly didn't care, I'd be dead, or a totally different person.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how I'll get there. But there is something there. Unfortunately, it seems I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I expected, or wanted. I'm backed into a corner with not much choice though. That's better than nothing, I guess.

Better living through chemistry

For years people have been trying to shove anti-depressants down my throat, and I've resisted. Almost everyone I knew had suggested it, but I kept saying no this whole time. Then Serina said I should do it, and that broke me. The person I trusted the most was betraying me like this? Right to my face? How could she do this?

And I just... hated everything for a while. I was so shaken by it, so shocked, I just caved in and finally said I'd do it.

I was so confused. This felt like a backstab, like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, even Serina. But I was still going to do it, though I didn't know why. I didn't want to, I don't want to. I called the doctor yesterday, and wanted to throw up immediately afterwards, and not because of anxiety about using the phone for once. I felt like I'd just given up. Stopped fighting. Betrayed myself. Quit.

But wait... maybe all these people think I should do this, not because they hate me, but because they love me. Because they want what's best for me. Because they want me to be happy. Depression fucks with your head, right? Maybe I'm the one who doesn't see clearly, not them. Maybe staying where I am isn't healthy.

So I guess I'm just trusting them, and doing it for them. And if doing it for others is not a good reason to take anti-depressants... well, it's the best reason anyone's gonna get with any sort of truth from me, where I do this voluntarily.