BLTC pt2 a

There was a post here, but I deleted it. Let's try that again now I've calmed down a bit.

I'm angry, frustrated, confused, scared, hurt and lonely. The doctor did not go as I had planned. I just wanted to go in, get some drugs and leave. Apparently that's not why we went. I thought that since everyone had been trying to get me on anti-depressants this whole time, it would be easy to do. No one mentioned what would actually happen.

The situation has gone from me begrudgingly going along with it, to having to actually be involved. Now I feel like I need to actually want this, rather than just cruise along because everyone else says I should do this. That's a struggle.

I remember something I said a while ago, about killing myself: the suicide rate for trans people is insanely high, being trans sucks and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but that's not why I want to kill myself. So I don't see the point in doing it.

There's a lot more there than I first realised. I thought that just meant I didn't want to off myself, but maybe there's more to it than that. If I really didn't care about myself, why would I be this far into transition? If I truly didn't care, I'd be dead, or a totally different person.

I don't know where I'm going. I don't know how I'll get there. But there is something there. Unfortunately, it seems I'm here for the long haul. This isn't what I expected, or wanted. I'm backed into a corner with not much choice though. That's better than nothing, I guess.