Walls, Monsters and fighting

I have high Walls. And a lot of Monsters.

I thought that the Walls just kept people out. But I found out they're also good at keeping the Monsters in. The Walls are bad, but there is no doubt they're good at what they do.

The Walls isolate me, and leave me blocked off. Even when I'm surrounded by people, I still feel distant.Unlike the Monsters, I know where the Walls came from for the most part. I've been working on letting them down, and letting people see me. People who aren't Serina. And I've actually had good results.

The Walls also effect my self esteem: I don't really see people one-on-one, and I've talked myself into believing that's because no one would want to be around just me. Not just think it, but actually believe it, trapping me inside with the Monsters.

Though they're both different obstacles, they both can be overcome with the same strategy: acknowledge, understand, resist. What I've been doing is essentially pretending there isn't a problem until I'm overrun. I remember vividly before my last crash that I felt it coming, and I did nothing. Nothing to stop it, nothing to think about it. I didn't even tell Serina that I was feeling low, until it blew up in our faces.

I've heard people say it's easier to give in than it is to fight. That's not true. Not for me. There is no "easy" here. The guilt, and regret I feel when I give up... that isn't easy. At least it's enough to push me back out of it. Enough to convince me fighting is worth it. Like a weird kind of motivation, I suppose.

The Walls and Monsters are.... a part of me. Which is scary to think about, but also a relief, because if I can change, so can they.

This is all great, but just talking about this doesn't stop it. What I'm doing here, right now, is understanding it.