Aggressive shell

Generally, I feel pretty worthless. I don't think I interest people, or appeal to them, so I don't try. Which just makes me feel worse, since then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate my Walls. It's crowded in here with all my Monsters. I feel so completely trapped in here, feeling alone and unwanted, I worry I'll never get out. It's a fucking nightmare living with someone who so effortlessly understands people and how to talk to them. It's like living with a mirror who just shows you all your inadequacies.

Not that it's their fault. This is me, and my feelings. I want to work on this, but I don't even know where to start. I can't spend the rest of my life alone. I need to engage. more, and get discouraged less.

Exit Planet Dust, part ɳ

I don't know what number I'm up to in this series, whatever.

I had my first laser and electro sessions in years today. I've officially started my hair removal process, and I'm extatic, despite being incredibly tired and sore. But this post isn't about that.

I was terrified to move out, but I did it anyway. I don't remember much about my emotions during the searching process up until signing the lease on a place, other than fear and the occasional spark of excitement. I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to do this, which pushed me through it when I wasn't completely sure, or ready.

Since then... I feel like a completely different person. Or rather, I feel like a cocoon, and will some inevitable day turn into a different person. That metaphor fell apart fast. Anyway, I feel as if I can see the horizon, and it's incredible motivation. Suddenly all the little bits feel like meaningful contributions, and things make sense.

I've gotten more confident, I can mostly take care of myself (to at least prevent my death), I'm still learning how to do money but I have help, I've had weird and amazing experiences I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home. It all begins at moving out. 2016, despite being pretty terrible globally, was pretty amazing in my own bubble. There was a lot of pain and confusion, but I see those for what they are: hard truths and learning experiences.

I'm excited to see the future. For once it seems like something worth putting effort into.

Self-medication

The way I got into the headspace of starting HRT again was to basically revert back to the early days. Trans 101, I suppose. I did all of the same things that I did back then, to remind myself of how I felt. It helped a lot, and reminded me why I started in the first place. One of the best things I gained during during transition was a large group of friends, which I'm slowly recovering.

Last night I went out to have dinner with a friend and some other people. I was quite anxious about it, and worried I wouldn't fit in since I'm pretty masculine. I debated not going, but knew I would regret that choice. This was going to be good for me, I need more friends and it would be good to do something that didn't involve my housemate.

I pushed myself, got ready and braved the night, and ended up having a great time. We talked about Overwatch, the MCU, shitty movies and other geek stuff. Despite it wearing me out extremely fast, I loved it. It was well needed, and I didn't even mind returning home to a dark empty flat. I just played WoW, talked shit at my guildies and called it a night.

This is a major thing for me. I actually did something good for myself that was social.

Relearning how to be friends

This is a weird one for me. I think since I've shut out so much of the external world over the last few years, I don't know how to have friends anymore. I'm so used to an environment where I can't have people over that it's a foreign concept to invite people over. Going out with people isn't a thing either since it was so hard for me to go anywhere.

I feel like I only have 2 friends, when recently it's become a lot more. But it's like I have social tunnel vision: I can't see the ones who are new because it's been the same way for so long. I'm absolutely terrible at multitasking my social-ife.

This is all on top of my shitty self esteem, anxiety and general fear of rejection. I feel paralysed, trapped and spiraling out all at the same time. But I'm learning, and growing, and I've met some really cool people lately.

Your better nature

As I move forward I notice the more external forces I have, the more interior I become.

I'm not used to seeing so many people, it's becoming hard to keep up. I feel my ability to relate to others is in a serious flux. I'm constantly second guessing myself and others' intentions. My self esteem feels like it's falling up and down an endless flight of stairs. I'm doing things I want, but am afraid of, because they might hurt.

I'm trying to absorb as much as I can. I have new friends, and thus am introduced to new energies. I want to hide and play Factorio all day, but I'm not. I need to remind myself: it hurts because you need to break before you rebuild.

Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Panel

A while ago I was on a panel at a convention in my city. It was amazing. I didn't write about it earlier because the entire thing, while amazing and fun, was completely exhausting and I haven't had the mental energy to really think about it until recently.

The panel was for queer geeks, and it was apparently the first of its kind in Australia. It was pretty amazing, and really scary, to be up on stage not only in front of what turned out to be 60 people, but I was sitting next to some rather amazing people who had done some great things. It was great to hear them talk about things, and see the crowd react well.

I didn't say much, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Towards the end though, someone asked a question about queer representation in media, and I suddenly had a lot to say. I said I'm trans, and that there's basically nothing in terms of relatable characters/stories out there, and mentioned a little flash game I'd played a while ago that was about someone's transition. Someone in the audience raised their hand for the microphone and he said that he'd played it to better understand his friend's lifestyle and I was completely blown away. I just looked at him and said that was completely amazing and this is why we need more things of that nature, and everyone on stage nodded with me and I saw people in the audience really taking on what I had just said.

It was... intense, and amazing. I was speaking in public and not making a dick of myself.

As nerve racking as it was, and even though my anxiety is completely opposing to this, I love the idea of doing this more often. I think I want to make a career within pop culture. Somehow...

Maybe I'm the problem

Maybe she's distant because she's been having a hard time lately.
Maybe I'm being selfish for being angry at her for disappearing.
Maybe I'm the one not putting in enough effort.

I don't know why this has only just occurred to me.

Branch out

I feel strangely lonely.

I've taken to WoW so hard lately cos I feel like I have no one to talk to anymore. No one consistent anyway. But I'm also kinda depressed because I feel like there's very little room for me Serina's life...

That's hard to admit, and also seems like it's not true at the same time. But... intention is different from execution. She seems to enjoy my company, and always says she's looking forward to seeing me at places, but the last few times I hung out with her I barely saw her.

The other night I went out to a movie with some friends, and they crashed at my place afterwards. I really enjoyed that, I felt comfortable with them in my house. I think I'll invite them over again soon. Maybe I should take this as a message from the universe it's time to branch out and actually make new friends, rather than just people I know.

I dislike feeling lonely. It makes me feel confused and overwhelmed.

Confidence

Being that I grew up with no faith in myself or my own abilities, I constantly surprise myself at what I can do. I regularly test my limits nowadays, and initiate things that may not work. Sometimes they don't work, sometimes things totally fall apart, and so do I for a while, and I lose hope. But then I accept what happened, try to push past the pain, and try it again in a different way.

For example, I still want to go to kink events even after my almost traumatising experience, and more than just wanting to go, I've proven to myself that they can be fun and rewarding.

Being that I grew up without this feeling, I've been almost overdosing on it. I've been pushing myself too hard, too far, without realising it. I don't know my own ability anymore, because I suddenly have a lot more of it, I can't get a read on it. But it's an amazing feeling. I could almost describe it as drunk on power.

But this is a good problem to have. This is a better position than I've ever been in. I get to learn my capacity, and understand how I tick again, and once I do that, and learn how to relearn my limits, I can push them further and harder, without risk of it blowing up in my face.

I've been re-analysing my own capacity to get a partner, and I've had multiple people initiate with me in varying capacities, so my confidence there is getting a bit higher, which is amazing.

No faith

I don't trust anyone to stay around me. I'm used to spending so much time alone that I almost regret inviting others into my life. I believe that everyone will abandon ship at the first opportunity, and it's happened a few times.

This is why it's hard for me to form new relationships. I'm staring down the barrel of something I want, and I almost called it off the other day because I believed it was only a matter of time that he would decide he didn't want me, and I would just make things easier if I stopped things now. I had something to tell him, and I was worried about how he'd react. I had already made the decision for him, deciding that what I had to say was too much trouble.

I was ready for the worst... and I didn't get it. Quite the opposite. I got a very good reaction. I was stunned, I was genuinely expecting him to tell me to go away. But he didn't. He wants to continue, and see where this goes. I've yet to meet him, but I think we may finally meet face to face this weekend.

He wants to see inside my head, and he makes me feel comfortable while I dig parts out for him. I call him Master, now. Had trouble believing that word would be part of my regular vocabulary.

Wanting the best, expecting the worst

As usual, I'm in the middle of something I want, but don't believe will happen.

I've wanted something like this for a long time, and unlike a lot of my previous encounters, this is pretty close to my fantasy, my ideal-world thing. I've been coming to terms with the extreme likelihood that what I wanted would never exist, and even if it did I wouldn't be anywhere near it. But now it seems tangible, plausible.

But wanting and getting are two different things. I usually have no problem initiating, but in the middle is where I fall apart most of the time. There's also so many things about myself that I believe are not only appealing, but repulsive, and leaves me in a limbo where I'm too far for one person, but not far enough for another. I've been on hormones for almost 3 years, yet I still have an insane amount of body hair? How can someone be so broken?

I feel like stagnation is my default.

Feast or famine

Hopefully I'm not setting myself up for more crashes, but things have been looking up in my personal life. It's rather confusing to me, I've got 3 people vocally interested, in vastly different capacities, and what makes me happy is that they don't conflict with each other, so I don't have to decide what to do, because I can just do it all.

It's rather obscene, really. I guess this is just what happens when you take time off from the world and just look at yourself, and work on yourself. After all, I am in a type of recovery. I have things to look forward to outside of these people, I'm on the radio and doing quite a lot with it, I do stuff with my group...

But once burned, twice shy. I'll see when I get there, really. I hope things work out for once.

External Monsters

It's getting to a point where something has to give.

A while ago I had a realisation that I actually like my life, except for my living conditions. It's impossible to live here, with her. I can't take being blamed for things that aren't my fault, having small things be blown out of proportion, have my own computer being taken up for hours and hours and then be made to feel guilty for wanting it back. The amount of times she gets angry at me for not doing what she doesn't ask me to do...

I don't know what to do.

This makes me feel like I have nowhere to go, no home, nowhere I can just... exist.

Pride

Today was the pride march in my city. I didn't go.

Last night I was torturing myself about it. I didn't want to go, I knew I didn't have the energy, but I felt like I should go. I remembered Carnival, two weeks ago, and how awful it was. Eventually, I landed on the decision to just not go, and to sleep in, because I really needed to catch up on energy.

 I was surprised when I felt relief, and not guilt, which is what I was expecting. I don't know how to explain it. Maybe I was expecting to feel like I'd let the community down, or myself and my transness, if that makes sense. But I know plenty of people who didn't go last year and are involved in the community.

So I don't know. I'm glad I feel this way. I know I'm not missing out on anything, because I've been twice before and both times weren't that great.

Genuine positivity

I keep a diary, one apart from this blog. It's where I dump my crazy, whereas here is where I focus more on ideas and revelations. It's basically Unfiltered Ylatch, where I don't force myself to be positive or happy or even write with a purpose. It's just where I write what's on my mind, even if I've written it a thousand times before, even if it's depressing, even if it's a half finished thought.

Last night I was writing in it, moaning about wanting more kink in my life, when I wrote something amazingly positive and it only hit me well after I'd written it. I wrote a personal ad, after Serina suggested it, and I did it after a lot of stress, because I can't even begin to sell myself.

Unless it's an extremely slow boil, I got no hits. What I wrote about it was "at least I got practice in to actually say what I want". Which is true, it was good practice, especially for someone who doesn't ever really see good in themselves, or anything anyone else would want. I'm not even disappointed about the ad, because they never work anyway.

I keep flipflopping in my mental state and confidence. Tomorrow night a kink event is on that I've been invited to, but the closer it gets the less I want to go. At this point it doesn't even matter if I like the event or not, because I just need to get the confidence up, to show a bit more of myself in this community. Whenever I meet these kinds of people one on one, I have a great time, they're super friendly and awesome and make me feel good about going to events. But at the events, the people are... it's like highschool again. Everyone is in their own isolated circles, and it's fucking hard to break in.

Worth

So... the last 5 or 6 months have had a spiraling theme lurking above them, and many things have resulted from it.

I could point out specific events and people, but I won't. The end result of most negative things that happened last year was that I felt like I didn't matter, and while I usually bounced back with my mood that has stuck.

Over the new years I stayed at a friends, because it's kinda tradition now to spend NYE with them. But the entire time I was there I felt really guilty about existing in their space, like I was some alien or I was forcing them to have me there when they didn't want me to.

There are things I want, some from myself and some from other people, but most of the time I feel like I'm not worth it. I want to study, but I don't feel like I would be worth the money it would take to do a course.

How do you get past this? I want to care about myself again, I want to feel even a little bit valuable to someone, but every step I take just moves me backwards.

How far are you willing to go?

I thought that as long as I got what I wanted in the end, and as long as no one got hurt, it wouldn't matter what lengths I took. Doesn't matter if I'm used, or hurt, or made colder.

I don't think I can actually push myself that far. Maybe I'm too soft for this kind of attitude.

That same someone seems determined to remind me of the worst that people can be. Aside from his looks and kinks, there is nothing good about him. Perhaps nothing good can come from interacting with him.

He did a lot of things that didn't bother me enough to leave, until last night. He takes pride in never apologising, even when he really really should. He believes he is never wrong, when he is frequently. The only misunderstandings are of the people around him. If he never admits fault, there can be no trust. Thus, there can be no play between us, because that shit is dangerous.

I have low self esteem, not a death wish. Maybe I'll go throw myself at someone else.

The worst thing in the world

I think what I want doesn't exist. At least not right now. Maybe I've been overreacting to people like I talked about a few months ago. Maybe they aren't evil, or serial killers, or insane.

Maybe I'm too full of myself and let a lot of advice about chasers go to my head. Maybe they're not such a big deal, as long as they're harmless. Maybe I won't compromise myself if I just let go of this one stupid fear.

I always thought that the worst thing you could do is just want someone for their looks. I always thought that applied to any situation at any time with any person. Maybe this was just another way to push people out, and keep the Walls up.

If I want something, and that something happens to be right there, why should it matter that it isn't exactly how I imagined?

Exploration

It's hard when someone is removed from your life so traumatically. It's even harder when you still like them, but they seem to treat you like poison. This blog is my place, yet why do I feel the need to censor myself just because I know she still reads it?

I've written about 3 drafts in the last hour, saying different things about something new in my life and how it compares to my last relationship, but the words either come out too harsh or completely missing the point I try to make.

So what is it I want to say?

I miss sex. I've missed it for a long time. I miss being penetrated, and having someone enjoy my genitals, instead of just tolerating them. I tried to tell myself I didn't mind how it was, but I missed it a lot. I recently asked someone I know if they'd be interested in doing something with me, and they said yes.

Many things are running through my head about this. I'm worried that I won't be good enough, or if they don't find my naked body appealing, or if they cancel... but I'm still going through with it. I'm also extremely excited. This is someone new, I get to do things to them, they switch and like a ton of the same stuff I like. I've had it in my head that I really really want to take her for a walk on a leash one night. I've wanted something like this for a while, and used my newfound confidence to get it.

Now if only I could muster up the courage to go to a kink event.