I went to The Doctor today, and got the results of my magical blood test. Everything looks to be clear, kidney and liver are functioning just fine, hormone levels are good and doing what they're meant to... and I also came home with a new box of pills.
I'm nervous. I've heard so many horror stories, seen so many friends slip away. I can't say that I know I'm doing the right thing, I'm more hoping, and trusting. The fact that this can be stopped at any time is also comforting. Large safety net.
I laid it all out for The Doctor. Not really understanding the process, how I feel like I'm stuck in a hole, what I thought was going to happen last time... everything. I even said how unsure I was about doing this, but if they really can help then I'll give it a try. Then it got really casual, and he told me a list of side-effects and things to look out for, and how to know if it's working or not, and how fast/slow it would be. I said those are all acceptible potentials for me, and I understood the risks, and how to handle them.
I walked out of his office with a script and a short-term plan. I've never had a short-term plan before. I've never had any plan before... not one I've liked, anyway.
The way home was terrible. I felt... sad and alone. For some reason I had it in my head that everyone around me just knew what I had done, that I'm some kind of fuck up who can't function. I even had a panic attack on the bus home.
Right now I'm just remembering that, ultimately, this was my choice to make. I'm doing this because it has the potential to help me. I can stop at any time. I know what I'm getting myself in for. Now all that's left is to do it and hope for the best.
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