I have trouble expressing what I want, especially when it comes to sex. I dealt with a lot of assholes when I was younger, who either disregarded what I wanted or ignored it. So I'm a bit hesitant to say what I want, because I'm not used to it mattering, or having someone use it against me. So when it comes to most of my life, I hide what I want. I pretend I don't want it.
This likely has a lot to do with my self worth, and even my weird passive aggressiveness with feeling ignored. It makes sense in my head: if I tell someone I want something from them, they will intentionally not give it to me to make me suffer, or set me up for a bigger fall later by agreeing and backing out later. Again, I can understand, in my head, how 99% of people won't do this with that motivation in mind. In my warped mind, by showing minimal interest I'll get what I want, because showing enough interest to do it, but not enough for people to hurt me from it, will get me what I want.
It's hard to remember when it happens though. It's so hard to remind myself they're not doing this to hurt me, and being hurt is just a result of it, not the intention.
I've been getting in practice with saying what I want, and it's rather freeing. I've been talking to a boy who's coming over monday, and we've both been saying what turns us on, what we like. I almost fell into my usual trap with him, and started to be really blase with him. But I was talking to someone about him, and their boytoy, and I realised that he wants this too. I didn't want to come on too strong, nor did I want to show I really wanted this, but I showed it to him today, and was received with massive positivity.
I feel good. I can't wait for monday.
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