Push

Since Serina ended out D/s side I've been less inclined to just do what she says. Which seems odd because now she wants to really help again.

Last night she tried to talk me out of trying to fix Centrelink by myself and to let her do it with this magic form we could get that basically lets her interact with Centrelink for me without me needing to be there. It feels like giving up to me, like letting my fears get the better of me, like admitting I'm weak. I eventually caved, and we'll start it next week. I kinda hate myself for it, it makes me feel like I can't do anything myself.

But she was so fixed on getting me through this, and I said I don't really know where the line of a supporting lover ends and a Mistress starts. And since we're no longer D/s it seemed kind of... weird that she now has the drive to push me through something like this again. I get why she couldn't do it before, but the week after we stop she can suddenly do it again.

But maybe what I need is unreasonable. If what I need is for someone to just do it for me, is there even a point getting help? There's a difference between help and doing it instead. I'm so quick to belittle my own abilities so I don't even try most things anymore, so when someone tries to get me to do these things I tell them there's no point because I believe it myself. I saw the direct result of that on monday when I made Serina cry, and it sucked. It just takes too much effort to move something that doesn't want to move.