Last night, Serina and myself went to a kink event with E. I was hesitant to go, because whenever I go into a new environment like this I always end up sitting in the corner not talking to anyone, as I've explained before. I still went though, in the hopes that I got to know E a bit more, felt more comfortable with him, and actually have fun at a kink event.
Well, I got to know him. And he's pretty awesome. But the event... It was worse than I was expecting. I was really nervous all day, but I pushed through it. I picked up Serina from work, and we went to E's house.
We hung around, I got to know E a bit better, and I met L, who is E's boy. After a really tasty (and fucking huge) chicken dinner, we got ready and got in the car and while driving I had a small realisation: I really didn't want to go. But I thought that was nerves talking, so I ignored it and just went along. We parked, walked to the front and E had to wait for someone who was new so he could go in with them. They were an hour late, which was fine by me. There was an endless parade of latex, leather and corsets as we waited. E, being locally famous, knew almost everyone who walked past. I got introduced to probably a dozen people, none of which I remember because it was all an anxiety fueled blur. I was told they were really nice though. Serina knew some of them as well, which made me feel incredibly isolated.
They showed up and we went inside. Down some stairs into this really loud thump thump music, it was really dark, and there were a lot of people. Serina held my hand and dragged me through to a quiet place to sit, and she hugged me and asked how I was doing. I was in panic-mode, so I don't really remember what I said or much of what else happened. I know we sat there for what felt like half a day. I was looking around, and I was screaming at myself "I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO" but I stayed in the hopes it might get better. It didn't, and eventually Serina got me outside so I could calm down a bit. She gave me heaps of opportunities to leave, but I didn't take them. I guess I just wanted to get past the intense fear and try to have fun.
We went back inside, and I felt mildly better, but I was still scared. I got into a serious pit of self-loathing for being as terrified as I was, especially when Serina seemed to feel perfectly comfortable. It was like that time I went to meet those kinkters at the bowling alley, or the first time I went to a trans support group, but turned up to eleven. I went into this expecting something like that, to feel a bit awkward, know no one and to not meet anyone new (Technically I met some new people, but I don't remember a single one) and that's pretty much what I got, only a much more extreme version. But on top of that, I felt like I was depriving Serina of fun she could have been having, I felt vastly intimidated by everyone I met and saw, I felt way out of my depth, the music and lights were overbearing and made me feel extremely overstimulated, and peppered throughout this whole thing were a series of minor panic-attacks. Serina had to pretty much babysit me the whole time, which I hated. I wanted to go there and maybe have fun, but instead I was just a wreck. I didn't see the point in coming, because there was nothing about it I liked.
Serina could tell this wasn't going to get better, so she tried to think of ways we could leave (it was E's car, he lives very far away and I left my stuff at his house). Eventually she decided on a taxi. She went to talk to E about us leaving, and he said if we waited 5 minutes he'd be leaving too. So we drove home, I turned on my iPod to try and calm down a bit, and it helped. The further away from that place we got, the better I felt. We got home, and I felt shell-shocked. I curled up on the couch nuzzling into Serina, and felt a lot better.
Now, this is interesting. In my post about the bowling alley, this is pretty much where it ended. I had a shit time and I wish I didn't go. End Post. But I'm still writing. You know why?
Because I'm glad I went. I faced a huge fear of mine. I had opportunities to leave, but I stuck with it and tried to make it better. I got to know E. I got to see E and Serina's relationship for myself. Apparently a lot of people didn't like the place either, because the mood was all wrong, so I wasn't the only one who hated it. I went out to a real kink event. I went to the event as Serina's girly. My fears got a face to them, and now the next event feels less scary. I threw myself out into the world. And most importantly: Serina proved that she can keep the promise that she wouldn't abandon me, and that everything she's been saying about E and her, her and me, and E and me, are all true.
I am a lucky girly to have a mummy like this.
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