The Lightning Rod

Since I got my boots I've pretty much worn them exclusively when out presenting as female. I love them so much.

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.

When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...

Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.

What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.

I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.