Out and about

It was national coming out day in America yesterday, and a friend of mine is talking about coming out to her parents as trans. Surprisingly, this got me thinking about coming out to my mother, but mostly, my mentality around that time.

I keep a diary, and I reread it sometimes, and the entries around that time are weird, and kinda distorted. Not that I need to read my old diary to know what I was feeling, I remember it. You don't forget something like this. This is the kind of thing not many people do, inform your parents that you're not really male, or female, and expose yourself after hiding for so long. I remember right before it, I was terrified. The only other terror that tops it in my life is when I was in hospital when I was 13.

I was at tafe studying multimedia. I didn't really want to do that, but I enjoyed it and I was good at it and couldn't think of anything else to do with my life. I met some good friends there, one of which I still talk to almost every day. But this is the time when my depression was at it's absolute lowest.

I was part of a forum for trans people (not Laura's Playground thank god) and it was a pretty relaxed place in one way, but really intense in the other. Everyone was really eager to show off their battle scars, tell everyone about their suicide attempts and DIY orchies and just wallow in self destruction. I stayed there to learn what I could, a lot of people had different perspectives and attitudes and threw them around liberally. But I hated the place because just as people were eager to show off how damaged they were, others showed how perfect they seemed. Posting timelines and stories and other things, and I was extremely jealous of their progress.

One day, in a usual Help me come out thread, someone posted a short story of their life as most people did. But unlike the others, this person resonated with me, and said something I still remember, 4 years later: it's either the bullet or the pill. It's a twisted form of motivation, sure, but it worked. You get to a place where you're at rock bottom, nothing else matters. You move forward, or you just don't.

Offline, my life wasn't very good. I was depressed, and didn't know what to do. I had no motivation to do anything. I felt like I was just living for someone else, because this wasn't the life I wanted or cared about. Eventually, I settled on the fact that I was mostly numb. Sex didn't feel good. Getting drunk didn't do anything except make me sick the next day.

I was having an exceptionally bad day one day, I felt absolutely horrible about myself and everything, and looking back on it now, I went home from tafe that day knowing I would either be out to my mother by the end of the night, or I would kill myself. I told no one else this plan, though. Some people knew about me already, which was good, but wasn't enough. I needed to progress.

I had no safety net, though. No job, no money. I couldn't leave if she reacted badly, I couldn't call for help. I had nowhere to go. The only safety net I had in my mind was, essentially, suicide.

I felt Walled off that whole night, before I told her. I'd spent so long hiding any aspect of myself from her, more than just being trans, and I was about to expose everything. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff, staring down it. She could tell something was on my mind, but I kept deflecting her questions. I wasn't ready.

I went into my room and got on the laptop to get my mind off it and maybe get some confidence up. Then out of the blue, it hit me. I told my friends what I was about to do, and I went to talk to my mother.

"I need to tell you something"

We sat down in the loungeroom, and I told her everything: I'm a girl, I like guys and girls, I've had sex with both and I'm really depressed.

She asked questions, I answered them. It was all over in less than an hour, but it felt like days. The chatroom I was in had exploded at the news of what I was doing, and then it exploded again when I said I was back, and that it went well. It was really comforting to see these people care about me so much. Then I told my best friend, and he was so excited for me. I was actually happy that night, for the first time in a long time. I felt like I could think again. I felt a massive weight lift off me. I... felt.

So what did coming out do for me? It let me move in a direction I actually wanted. It let me feel comfortable in my own house. It made me feel like I didn't have to hide myself from the world. It set me free.