Who do you want to be?

I grew up sheltered, as I've discussed. I remember wanting to go out, finally doing so, and it being a nightmare because I was so anxious and unsure of myself. I was always up for spontaneity though, even in the thick of my anxiety, but rarely found myself in a situation where I could follow through.

I always hated it. I hated wanting to do things that were out of my reach. I wanted to be able to handle being in new places with new people and not keep fighting off a panic attack, or feel a mountain sized amount of discomfort that transcended reality. I kept pushing and pushing, and try to move into this person I wanted to be. Felt I should be. Maybe it's out of some kind of self loathing, to want to move away from this person so desperately. Maybe it's out of some kind of love for myself, to move to who I want to be.

Looking back, my Night in Hell was an act of desperation. I still don't regret doing it, but I think I wasn't ready for it. It was the most vividly I felt the need to get the fuck away from myself, and it blew up in my face, and just reminded me where I'm from.

So, how did this fragile and damaged human being end up at an abandoned church for an industrial rave at 2am, an hour and a half out of the city with someone she met 3 hours beforehand?

Last week I met this woman who invited me to a party last night, and I went. I knew no one there, but I got talking to a few people, one of which was the author of a children's book, another was trying to find someone to go on an adventure with. Ignoring the fact my entire body already hurt because I helped trim a massive tree that afternoon, I raised my hand and went off with this girl who's name I didn't even know, to go to a place I didn't know the location of, to have an experience I'd never had before.

We stopped off in the city for supplies, some of which somehow made it back to my bedroom, and took the trek to Craigieburn. We found the church easily, and before we went in I reminded her I'd never been to one of these things before, and she understood not to abandon me.

Again, like my Night in Hell, this thump thump music permeated the air. Unlike that night, we were immediately greeted by someone extremely friendly and welcomed us into their pocket of the world. Huh, these people are human Was what ran through my head. Almost all fear left me, and I went inside to see something I'm having trouble describing. Half a dozen people all solo slam dancing around, one guy literally pressing his head against a speaker that towered over him, and the music that was being pumped out by a solo DJ at the front was varying and insanity-inspiring, but also somehow beautiful in it's own way. It was rather appropriate we were in a dilapidated church: Satanic symbols flashed around the walls while the flock was being entranced by this lone figure at the front, spewing out his message.

I hugged my new friend and screamed into her ear "Thank you for bringing me here".