Processing

Mummy and I had a scene today, and it was rather intense. Probably the hardest I've ever gone.

I enjoyed it. I wanted to do it. But... it was so hard. A lot harder than I was expecting. I safeworded a few times, and said I was ok to carry on afterwards. And then... something broke. Mummy did a few really hard hits with the cane, and I was at my threshold, but I don't think I knew it at the time, and then came more hits that were harder, and I... fell apart, and cried, and broke down a bit. It took me past what I know I can handle, and... scared me. I kept crying and crying for ages, and I finally stopped while mummy was hugging me, telling me I was a good girl, and that she loved me, while I just pressed into her in a headspin.

Unlike any previous scenes, I didn't float. I didn't drift off into That Place I go when I take pain like this. I felt it all. Mummy was going hard, and changing things, so I had no way of getting a read off it, and get used to it, or anything. I had no stable ground to hold onto, until finally it all crumbled and left me as a helpless, crying mess.

It was hours ago now, but I'm still... shaking. And thinking. And... still randomly crying sometimes.

Any form of talking is too much on my mental state right now. We went out for dinner afterwards, because I don't want to deal with my mother tonight, and when we got to the mall I asked mummy what she wanted for dinner, and she said it was up to me. And I just glazed over, and kept asking her what she wanted. At the time, I couldn't even come close to communicating what this was, and frankly I don't think it was a good idea at all to have left the house, but it was the lesser of two evils. I was so confused, and lost. Mummy is supposed to make decisions, right? Why isn't she now?

Eventually I just... made a decision, and went to McDonald's because it took the least effort to do.

I feel like there's some kind of wall between me and reality right now. Like something is weird. I had to fight off several panic attacks tonight, and despite not floating, I've crashed several times. And these are hard crashes. I was leashed to the bed after the scene because I just wanted some alone time, and I started crying but didn't, and don't, know why. I was just a mess, crying into my pillows, hugging my soft toys.

Right now, writing this... helped. I haven't had any alone time before now. I couldn't articulate anything before, because I haven't had time to think.

I keep wondering, and thinking... maybe we went too hard? Maybe I'm not ready for this kind of stuff? Perhaps it's more getting used to the escalation of it all, and realising and remembering that if you want to go harder, you gotta go further.