Staring down an inanimate object

What is it about chastity that I like? Why is it so frustrating to not be locked up? Mummy already owns my genitals, and decides if/when I get to have an orgasm, isn't that enough?

I miss the physical reminder that it gives. I like having no choice in the matter, it's why I gave it to her. And it's... difficult to rely on willpower alone. I've been incredibly horny lately, and I don't know why, but I've been good, and asked mummy if I was allowed to touch myself (because she's not here).

Mummy said she misses it being locked up as well. But I've been frustrated and angry at the device we have, because it keeps giving me bruises or cuts. Which is really stupid, because what I'm angry at is a piece of metal. I can't give it the silent treatment, or talk it into behaving. And that's why I'm going to lose this battle.

I've been trying to tell myself for a few weeks that I don't really want it locked up. But I do. I really do. And I want mummy to have the key.

The Lightning Rod

Since I got my boots I've pretty much worn them exclusively when out presenting as female. I love them so much.

Yesterday was the first day in a long time I went out in girl-mode without them. And it felt... wrong. Maybe there's an association there now, where boots = girl-mode. I'm not completely sure. All I know is that it made my day go from bad to worse, because this caught me totally off-guard. It made me feel extremely self-conscious, walking around in sneakers and pants rather than a skirt and boots. And it's not any sort of weird thing where I think Well girls aren't allowed to wear pants because that's insane.

When I left the house and got to the train station, I realised I wasn't feeling too great. So I messaged mummy to see if she was busy, she was but she was also in the area so she came to pick me up with E. That made me feel a little bit better, being around her... or them. I'm not sure on that one. Interesting...

Anyway. Maybe it was just me having an off day, or something. Really thinking about it now, however, I didn't feel... feminine. Ugh that's frustrating. I wish I did.

What really pisses me off is that this is the first time I've felt really dysphoric in a looooong time. Just completely uncomfortable in my own skin. There are little bits constantly niggling away at me, but I've learned how to keep them in check, but this came out of nowhere.

I keep thinking it might be because my attention lightning-rod is gone. If I wear these big fancy scary boots all the time, and I get looks, people are staring at the boots, right? Well, if they're gone, and I still get looks... they're looking at me.

Service mummy

Tonight, I was completely wrecked when we got home. We came in, and I said I needed to do the dishes (there was a lot) and feed the dog. I go out and feed the dog, and sit down at the computer to take 5 before I start the dishes. Then I hear mummy start the tap, and move some stuff around. She was about to do everything, and she said she didn't mind, and I should just sit down for a while.

But it felt.... weird. I'm the one who serves her, aren't I? Why was I sitting down, and relaxing, while she does the dishes? I tried to just relax like she said, but I couldn't. This was a new experience, one that came out of the blue.

I like serving my mummy. And to have her serving me is... wrong. So I got up and asked her if there was anything I could do (after coming out a few times to understand that she was ok doing the dishes herself). She said I could help dry things and put them away. So I did that. And I felt much better about it.

Silly mummy. Girly's are for service.

The alone-time itch

I'm frustrated. Mummy is over tonight, but for some reason I just want more alone time. She's in my room right now, watching TV while I play games on the computer in the other room.

She's been at E's for a while, and I've missed her a lot, and yet we're not even in the same room right now.

What's with this? Whenever we're away from each other for a few days we usually spend at least the first few hours attached at the hip. But not this time.

I guess I'm feeling extremely introverted at the moment. And everything seems to be moving really fast, even though I couldn't tell you anything that's happening. Maybe I'm coming down off the high from hearing about the gift I received?

I just feel so... restless. The fact that mummy is super tired makes things harder as well. She just wants to relax and watch a movie, and I want something more active. I feel bad if I drag her away from what she's doing, but I also feel bad being separate like this. I'm also in a mindframe where I get really frustrated at everything easily, which is not a good place to be with our dynamic. We were watching a movie before, and she kept playing with my hair, and I wanted her to stop and I was getting more and more frustrated at her for not stopping.

Maybe a part of it is that my social life has taken a plummet recently. I haven't been out to see friends in well over a week. Maybe I'm getting stuck in a rut?

I don't know. I just want it to be over.

Same clothes

Today I was out and saw a girl wearing the exact same pair of boots I have. It made me quite happy, and I wanted to go and hug her and introduce myself but I thought that might be a bit weird.

I always have this niggling little thought in the back of my head that I can't dress myself. That what I think looks good is terrible, and that no one in the world would wear what I wear. It's pretty obvious it's a part of my insecurity about being trans, there's a weird thought What if my clothes out me because no cisgirl would ever wear this stuff?

So it's nice when I see others in clothes I also have. I once saw a woman wearing the same top I have, and I got the same kind of feeling.

It's reassuring.

My day of pain

Shit. What a day.

My first batch of electrolysis. And while it doesn't live up to the pain-hype, I can definitely see how it got that reputation. It does not tickle.

One thing that I contemplated, but ultimately thought wouldn't happen, was the concept that I'd slip into that place I normally go when I'm receiving pain from mummy. Well, I was wrong. That did happen. Something else I thought about, but didn't think would happen, was the idea that I'd need aftercare, not necesserily because of how I treated it and the mindframe, but because it was brutal. After it was done, I was only half aware, and that strange mix of exhausted and bouncing-off-the-walls energetic was definately present.

This all caught me completely off-guard. All I wanted was a hug from my mummy, which was impossible at the time. But I held it together until I was in a familiar environment, which was a shopping mall near my house that was on my way home. I forced myself to be aware of how I was feeling, and made myself just sit, and relax, and just take it easy. I got something small to eat, which made me feel better. Then I got an ice cream for a bit of a treat. The little kid in me (read: the entirety of my insides) was happy about that. Then I got on the bus and headed home, realising I had spent a little over an hour at the mall. Guess pushing myself to go slow worked.

Beyond that, though, it went well. I'm not sure if I made a mistake, starting on the part that hurts the most (the top lip) but it's the part that I hate the most, so I want it gone first. I can't say anything about the results, because for all I know she just plucked the hairs out and that's that. I'll know soon enough I suppose. The woman who's doing it is super cool as well, we make a lot of jokes at each other which is great.

Tomorrow, I'm giving myself a well-needed day off from everything. It's just going to be me and my newly upgraded computer. I'm looking forward to it.

Fun? In a kink event?

It finally happened. I had fun at a kink event.

Last week, mummy, E, a friend, and I went to this quiet event, and... while I wasn't completely comfortable, at least it wasn't terrible. I started to have fun towards the end of the night. I went there, expecting pretty much more of the same as what I'd got, and while I kinda got it, it wasn't as bad as it had been.

I don't know what to think about it, really. Part of me doesn't really get these places. Kinky people come together and do kinky things... that sounds pretty simple, but I didn't really feel like I fit in much. Not because I'm trans or anything, I'm just not nearly as outgoing as everyone else who was there. I hope that will change in time. I'm pretty outgoing when I'm in a comfortable environment, like my trans group, so maybe it's just exposing myself to these places and getting to know the faces.

I got a cane, as well, because I've recently tapped into my masochistic side. Mummy wanted to use it on me right then and there, at the event. Which is normal, but I was not ready to go that far outside of my comfort zone, to do that in front of all these new scary people. Which is... annoying. I'm stuck in this place of wanting to do these things but not being comfortable enough, and I hate this place. I just want to be on one side or the other: not wanting to do it or being comfortable enough. Once again, I hope that changes with time. Everything from my experiences says it will if I want it to and put in the effort.