Nothing fancy

No metaphors. No revelations. No sadness.

I just felt the need to document my first ever blood test where I didn't throw up, or get dizzy, or cry, or anything.

It was easy, for once.

Birth

I've been thinking about them, the Monsters, and how we have a strange relationship. I cling to them in false hope. If I listen to them, I'll be safe. If I listen to them, they end up being right, and stronger, which makes me more likely to listen to them again later. We already know this, this isn't news. But I've been thinking where they came from, and I thought about why I call them Monsters:

Dr Frankenstein created a monster.
A man is bitten by a monster and turned into another monster.
Something terrible happens to a man, and he turns into a monster.

Monsters aren't born. They're created. Grown. They come from somewhere. Dark places, light places, scary places, happy places. They're handed down. Passed on. Given to others. But they're organic, and happen naturally. Everyone has Monsters of some kind. I think I need to learn when I don't need to listen to them.

Wanting and doing

Sigh.

Tomorrow I'm going to a dentist to get a local anesthetic so I can get electrolysis done on my lip without excruciating pain (there's a nerve that runs under the nose on the lip that is very sensitive). I hate getting needles, which I think I've said before. But I realise this is the lesser of two evils, so I'm going to get this done. Last time I nearly threw up. I was scared, but I had someone with me to take care of me, so it was ok. Tomorrow it's looking like I'll have someone there again, which is good.

I also have to get a blood test for that other thing that's going on right now. I've been putting it off but I'm almost out of hormones so that kinda forced my hand. The appointment is for monday. Just the thought of this is putting me on edge. I haven't had a blood test done by myself in a long time...

Where I'm going with this, is that these are things I do not want to do, but they're in the way of things I want. So I'm gonna do it. I'm not going to enjoy them, not even a little bit. In fact I'm expecting one of them to make me feel terrible for the rest of the day. And yet, I'm still going.

I thought writing this would make me feel better about going. It's kinda made me feel worse. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Bringing down Walls

Slowly learning that letting down Walls doesn't just cause pain, but can be vastly rewarding.

I feel myself growing closer to people every day. Feel friendships more vividly. Feel less anxious around people. Feel more connected to myself, and the world around me. Feel more in control.

You can also find a lot of yourself in others, which I'd forgotten.

Pain

You know what sucks? Unlocking your masochism, and then having no one to play with.

Since I'm getting electrolysis regularly, however, it kinda takes the edge off. I used to try to work on not letting myself slip into that same mindframe as when I used to play, but since I've been craving it for a few weeks I decided to let myself go there. And it worked. And it felt oh so good. I remember there was this one abnormally painful hair, and while it was excruciating, as soon as it was out I floated for a few seconds.

What didn't feel good was after it, though. After a scene I just need... quiet, and dark. I got none of that, and while it was nice hanging out with a friend, I just needed time alone. Last time something like this happened I got a bit crazy.

What Serina said is still correct, I need some kind of post-treatment support here. I never really received any before, and I remember that first time I went, and took care of myself, so I guess I can just do that again.

Surrendering to the gravity and the unknown

So begins a new phase in my life. I've spent a lot of the last week inside my own head, and as much as I've written lately, it's only been a small glimpse.

I did not realise it until it was pointed out by someone I deeply cared about, but things in my life have been getting worse, my head has been getting worse. I just wish I'd paid attention sooner.

I thought I was just... beyond help, but I didn't ever really try. I was too scared to get real help. Too scared to fail, and succeed. Normally, I'd bitch about it for a few days and then not do anything. But I've already started with the help of that same someone. Now it's up to me to continue.

I do not have an easy road ahead of me. I feel alone, even though I'm surrounded by people who love me. Like I said before, I don't really know where I'm going, but I'm going there. I'm absolutely terrified, but it's time for me to do something for myself, to improve myself.

With a new phase, comes a new blog title. Like the old one, it comes from a song. Unlike the old one, however, this comes from a place of positivity, a desire to help yourself, but most of all... recovery.

I choose to live.

Security blanket

I was thinking about recent events in my life, and I suddenly got very sad, and anxious. I was listening to music through my speakers, because mum isn't home, but when I started thinking about these things I suddenly wanted my headphones on, even though I was already listening to music.

Maybe this is one of those Walls I talked about before, to keep things out. When you've got headphones on, the only thing that exists is what is pumping through them. When my mum has been in a bad mood, I put them on and turn up the music so I can't hear her anymore.

Maybe it's a byproduct of the music? I associate headphones with music, so I just feel better with them on?

Putting them on, I felt a wave of calm wash over me. I'm not sure how I feel about this. The last few weeks have lead me to believe that keeping people out isn't the best, and the fact something that stops communication with others makes me so comfortable is... counter to what I want.

Exposed, is the word. That's how I felt, and that scares me. I just wish it didn't.