My day of pain

Shit. What a day.

My first batch of electrolysis. And while it doesn't live up to the pain-hype, I can definitely see how it got that reputation. It does not tickle.

One thing that I contemplated, but ultimately thought wouldn't happen, was the concept that I'd slip into that place I normally go when I'm receiving pain from mummy. Well, I was wrong. That did happen. Something else I thought about, but didn't think would happen, was the idea that I'd need aftercare, not necesserily because of how I treated it and the mindframe, but because it was brutal. After it was done, I was only half aware, and that strange mix of exhausted and bouncing-off-the-walls energetic was definately present.

This all caught me completely off-guard. All I wanted was a hug from my mummy, which was impossible at the time. But I held it together until I was in a familiar environment, which was a shopping mall near my house that was on my way home. I forced myself to be aware of how I was feeling, and made myself just sit, and relax, and just take it easy. I got something small to eat, which made me feel better. Then I got an ice cream for a bit of a treat. The little kid in me (read: the entirety of my insides) was happy about that. Then I got on the bus and headed home, realising I had spent a little over an hour at the mall. Guess pushing myself to go slow worked.

Beyond that, though, it went well. I'm not sure if I made a mistake, starting on the part that hurts the most (the top lip) but it's the part that I hate the most, so I want it gone first. I can't say anything about the results, because for all I know she just plucked the hairs out and that's that. I'll know soon enough I suppose. The woman who's doing it is super cool as well, we make a lot of jokes at each other which is great.

Tomorrow, I'm giving myself a well-needed day off from everything. It's just going to be me and my newly upgraded computer. I'm looking forward to it.

Fun? In a kink event?

It finally happened. I had fun at a kink event.

Last week, mummy, E, a friend, and I went to this quiet event, and... while I wasn't completely comfortable, at least it wasn't terrible. I started to have fun towards the end of the night. I went there, expecting pretty much more of the same as what I'd got, and while I kinda got it, it wasn't as bad as it had been.

I don't know what to think about it, really. Part of me doesn't really get these places. Kinky people come together and do kinky things... that sounds pretty simple, but I didn't really feel like I fit in much. Not because I'm trans or anything, I'm just not nearly as outgoing as everyone else who was there. I hope that will change in time. I'm pretty outgoing when I'm in a comfortable environment, like my trans group, so maybe it's just exposing myself to these places and getting to know the faces.

I got a cane, as well, because I've recently tapped into my masochistic side. Mummy wanted to use it on me right then and there, at the event. Which is normal, but I was not ready to go that far outside of my comfort zone, to do that in front of all these new scary people. Which is... annoying. I'm stuck in this place of wanting to do these things but not being comfortable enough, and I hate this place. I just want to be on one side or the other: not wanting to do it or being comfortable enough. Once again, I hope that changes with time. Everything from my experiences says it will if I want it to and put in the effort.

Community - Self worth and contribution

There is an interesting word I sometimes associate with the trans community. Without further explaination, it sounds like I'm here out of some obligation, or pressure to perform. That word is debt.

I owe a lot to the trans community in my city. It's been my safety net in many ways, it's helped guide me and give me advice and has always been there. The awesome thing about it, is that if someone who I usually turn to for advice or help is unavailable, I can ask someone else. More and more over the last year and a half, I've found that people have been asking me for help, which has been well documented in this blog.

These people are part of who I am, and where I'm going. They helped shape me. And so, when I became stable enough to be able to be in that sort of position to others, I jumped at it. And I'm glad I did. It's been rather rewarding. But this isn't what today's post is about. Today's post is about someone else's debt.

I was contacted earlier this week by a good friend, and said someone she knew had something to offer me. I won't say what, but to say this is going to be a help is to undermine and insult what this really is. This is monumental, and somewhat life changing. I met up with that person today, who told me that she's doing this because she feels like she owes something to this community, and wanted to repay it in a way via this amazing gift to some lucky person. Although, I find out it's not "luck". This is where my brain trips over and breaks its leg, however.

I have... earned this. People have noticed the effort and time I've been putting into this community. The energy I put in, out of this weird sense of debt. It's a feedback loop as well, because the more I give the more I get. I was talking about this concept to mummy, and I said that I almost felt like I'd need to add this to the pile of debt I have, but not in a bad way.

I've been given validation, in a way. A sign to say "You're doing things right". So now I can continue to do the things I am doing, do them better, and maybe do more things. And not because I'm getting noticed, or any sort of rewards that might come along, but... I owe a debt to this community. One that I'll gladly pay off multiples times over.

New music

Two of my favourite bands have released new albums within a week of each other. Naturally, I've been in fucking heaven, since my listening habits rarely expand. So to have TWO new albums handed to me on a silver platter in a week is a small slice of heaven for me.

I'm not going to be super pretentious and write reviews of them here, because seriously, who reads this blog apart from like 4 poeple? But it's been nice to see a new side of an old favourite, and expanding on a new artist.

A while ago, mummy and I were at E's house after my night in hell, and listening to Daft Punk's Alive 2007, and it was a song from their third album being mixed, and I said to E (not expecting him to get what I meant) "I think Daft Punk intentionally made their third album terrible, and they called it Human After All, to just remind everyone that everyone makes mistakes" and he said "Yeah. That's the thing about third albums, they're either amazing or terrible" and I just thought about it for a minute, and was like "yeah, totally". One of my new CDs is a band's third album... and it's amazing. I'm in love with it. It's beautiful, and is everything I love about this band, and everything I love about music, really. It makes me.... feel, makes me pay attention, makes me get emotions out. It's my outlet.

Decreasing the Spiral

My mind is in a better place. I had a wonderful night out with my Intro Group, I saw my mummy again, and I met my little sister in person for the first time!

Something that massive helped is talking to my mummy about it. She's been with E for a while, so I haven't seen her (and haven't really been in much contact), and when things got to be too much, I sent her a text to read my blog. She did, and a little while later sent me a biiiiig text message laying everything out for me, what I was going to do, what she was going to do, and just reminding me that a lot of those problems are temporary. Oh god, everything felt so light after that. Like I had a way through the crap now.

I was thinking about mummy and E's relationship, and I kinda had a small realisation. There's always the thought in the back of my head, what if he orders mummy to leave me? Now I understand what that really means, and why she went to him. For ages, my thoughts on it were He won't ask that of her, because it will destroy her. However, I added an extra bit to that that makes it turn around, and doesn't make it seem like such a hollow promise: This is why she went to him. It's not a happy coincidence, or him compromising. It's a part of why she wants him. Which makes me feel so much more secure in it all, and really makes me realise a core part of what bothers me about their arrangement: I don't want to be abandoned (again). I'm getting more and more secure in the concept that not only will this not happen, but it intentionally won't happen.

Top of the spiral

I don't feel very good. Things are starting to become too much, again. Getting things sorted for my name change, bashing heads with my mother, my ear being blocked for about a week making it very hard to hear anything, the fact the cage seems to have a mind of its own and is going out of it's way to produce random sores and cuts, my computer bordering on the edge of unuseable, and realising how much weight I've gained over the last year.

I'm getting bogged down, and I'm not really sure what to do to move myself. I don't even know what is a priority for me anymore. I have my Intro Night on wednesday, I just have to keep it together until then.

Insanity

Mummy and I went to a munch last night, and it was pretty boring. There isn't much to say about it that I haven't already said before, but at least mummy was there to turn what would have been a terrible experience into something bearable.

Afterwards I got pretty discouraged about going to any more kink events. After a point, it seems reasonable to say "this clearly isn't working out" and not going anymore. Right now I feel like I'm just doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Mummy and E are going to an event tomorrow night, one that is rather close to where I live, but I'm not going. There's another event later in the month that sounds like it would be nice, so I guess I'll try that.

On a more positive note, this kinda gave me the kick I needed to get re-inspired to do my transgroups Intro Nights, remembering what it's like to be new somewhere that's supposed to be a good introduction. I just hope I do a better job than these people. From what I've seen, I think I do.