Serina has been throwing around the word "family" when referring to E and L, and said that she feels like a part of it. She has also alluded to the fact that I'm involved as well, which I didn't feel for obvious reasons.
But after being in their house for so long yesterday and today, and seeing how everyone interacts, and how they interact with me... I think I get it.
I feel so naturally like a little kid there. There's my mummy, her potential owner E, and E's boy, L. E gives of a very big daddy vibe to everyone around him, which Serina adores. So it seems like E is half-daddy to her. Which would, naturally, make E my grandpa.
So, after the event, we were calming down at Grandpa E's house, and since I was half-exhausted half-traumatised I was phasing in and out of the conversation Serina and E were having. Serina asked me if I was doing ok, cos I was really quiet, and I said I wanted candy, not expecting to get any at all. Then E stood up and said "I think I have some lolipops around here" and found some. Oh god, I was so excited.
At some point, someone mentioned the word possum. I love playing with possums, so I started talking about these times I got bitten by some at a park, and E mentioned there's a pretty cool park nearby. I got really excited and asked where it was. He said it wasn't far, so I excitedly asked what the time was, cos I really wanted to go, even though I wasn't expecting to (it was 1.30am, Serina and E looked pretty tired and I'd had a big night), and to my surprise E got up and said "let's go".
Oh my god I got dressed so fast and ran to the car. It was a short drive too, which was good cos I was bouncing off the walls. I jumped out of the car as we arrived to the park and went mental on all the equipment while mummy and Grandpa E watched. Eventaully I wore myself out, and flopped into the giant swing again while they sat on the bench, talking. After a while I looked over at them, and felt a microscoping pang of jealousy, which quickly went away when I saw how comfortable they were together, and how included I feel. So I just watched them for a minute, and it was really nice. So I went to go sit with them, me leaning on my mummy, and her leaning on Grandpa E. I think this was the first time I called him Grandpa E, and he squirmed a lot. Serina and I giggled.
It's way way way early days, and I didn't really know what to think about mummy's feelings towards it all at first, it seemed to happen so fast. But that's just the kind of people E and L are: warm, open and incredibly caring and accepting. And I feel quite special just to know these people, let alone be involved in any of their lives. Mummy, especially.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
My night in hell
Last night, Serina and myself went to a kink event with E. I was hesitant to go, because whenever I go into a new environment like this I always end up sitting in the corner not talking to anyone, as I've explained before. I still went though, in the hopes that I got to know E a bit more, felt more comfortable with him, and actually have fun at a kink event.
Well, I got to know him. And he's pretty awesome. But the event... It was worse than I was expecting. I was really nervous all day, but I pushed through it. I picked up Serina from work, and we went to E's house.
We hung around, I got to know E a bit better, and I met L, who is E's boy. After a really tasty (and fucking huge) chicken dinner, we got ready and got in the car and while driving I had a small realisation: I really didn't want to go. But I thought that was nerves talking, so I ignored it and just went along. We parked, walked to the front and E had to wait for someone who was new so he could go in with them. They were an hour late, which was fine by me. There was an endless parade of latex, leather and corsets as we waited. E, being locally famous, knew almost everyone who walked past. I got introduced to probably a dozen people, none of which I remember because it was all an anxiety fueled blur. I was told they were really nice though. Serina knew some of them as well, which made me feel incredibly isolated.
They showed up and we went inside. Down some stairs into this really loud thump thump music, it was really dark, and there were a lot of people. Serina held my hand and dragged me through to a quiet place to sit, and she hugged me and asked how I was doing. I was in panic-mode, so I don't really remember what I said or much of what else happened. I know we sat there for what felt like half a day. I was looking around, and I was screaming at myself "I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO" but I stayed in the hopes it might get better. It didn't, and eventually Serina got me outside so I could calm down a bit. She gave me heaps of opportunities to leave, but I didn't take them. I guess I just wanted to get past the intense fear and try to have fun.
We went back inside, and I felt mildly better, but I was still scared. I got into a serious pit of self-loathing for being as terrified as I was, especially when Serina seemed to feel perfectly comfortable. It was like that time I went to meet those kinkters at the bowling alley, or the first time I went to a trans support group, but turned up to eleven. I went into this expecting something like that, to feel a bit awkward, know no one and to not meet anyone new (Technically I met some new people, but I don't remember a single one) and that's pretty much what I got, only a much more extreme version. But on top of that, I felt like I was depriving Serina of fun she could have been having, I felt vastly intimidated by everyone I met and saw, I felt way out of my depth, the music and lights were overbearing and made me feel extremely overstimulated, and peppered throughout this whole thing were a series of minor panic-attacks. Serina had to pretty much babysit me the whole time, which I hated. I wanted to go there and maybe have fun, but instead I was just a wreck. I didn't see the point in coming, because there was nothing about it I liked.
Serina could tell this wasn't going to get better, so she tried to think of ways we could leave (it was E's car, he lives very far away and I left my stuff at his house). Eventually she decided on a taxi. She went to talk to E about us leaving, and he said if we waited 5 minutes he'd be leaving too. So we drove home, I turned on my iPod to try and calm down a bit, and it helped. The further away from that place we got, the better I felt. We got home, and I felt shell-shocked. I curled up on the couch nuzzling into Serina, and felt a lot better.
Now, this is interesting. In my post about the bowling alley, this is pretty much where it ended. I had a shit time and I wish I didn't go. End Post. But I'm still writing. You know why?
Because I'm glad I went. I faced a huge fear of mine. I had opportunities to leave, but I stuck with it and tried to make it better. I got to know E. I got to see E and Serina's relationship for myself. Apparently a lot of people didn't like the place either, because the mood was all wrong, so I wasn't the only one who hated it. I went out to a real kink event. I went to the event as Serina's girly. My fears got a face to them, and now the next event feels less scary. I threw myself out into the world. And most importantly: Serina proved that she can keep the promise that she wouldn't abandon me, and that everything she's been saying about E and her, her and me, and E and me, are all true.
I am a lucky girly to have a mummy like this.
Well, I got to know him. And he's pretty awesome. But the event... It was worse than I was expecting. I was really nervous all day, but I pushed through it. I picked up Serina from work, and we went to E's house.
We hung around, I got to know E a bit better, and I met L, who is E's boy. After a really tasty (and fucking huge) chicken dinner, we got ready and got in the car and while driving I had a small realisation: I really didn't want to go. But I thought that was nerves talking, so I ignored it and just went along. We parked, walked to the front and E had to wait for someone who was new so he could go in with them. They were an hour late, which was fine by me. There was an endless parade of latex, leather and corsets as we waited. E, being locally famous, knew almost everyone who walked past. I got introduced to probably a dozen people, none of which I remember because it was all an anxiety fueled blur. I was told they were really nice though. Serina knew some of them as well, which made me feel incredibly isolated.
They showed up and we went inside. Down some stairs into this really loud thump thump music, it was really dark, and there were a lot of people. Serina held my hand and dragged me through to a quiet place to sit, and she hugged me and asked how I was doing. I was in panic-mode, so I don't really remember what I said or much of what else happened. I know we sat there for what felt like half a day. I was looking around, and I was screaming at myself "I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO I WANT TO GO" but I stayed in the hopes it might get better. It didn't, and eventually Serina got me outside so I could calm down a bit. She gave me heaps of opportunities to leave, but I didn't take them. I guess I just wanted to get past the intense fear and try to have fun.
We went back inside, and I felt mildly better, but I was still scared. I got into a serious pit of self-loathing for being as terrified as I was, especially when Serina seemed to feel perfectly comfortable. It was like that time I went to meet those kinkters at the bowling alley, or the first time I went to a trans support group, but turned up to eleven. I went into this expecting something like that, to feel a bit awkward, know no one and to not meet anyone new (Technically I met some new people, but I don't remember a single one) and that's pretty much what I got, only a much more extreme version. But on top of that, I felt like I was depriving Serina of fun she could have been having, I felt vastly intimidated by everyone I met and saw, I felt way out of my depth, the music and lights were overbearing and made me feel extremely overstimulated, and peppered throughout this whole thing were a series of minor panic-attacks. Serina had to pretty much babysit me the whole time, which I hated. I wanted to go there and maybe have fun, but instead I was just a wreck. I didn't see the point in coming, because there was nothing about it I liked.
Serina could tell this wasn't going to get better, so she tried to think of ways we could leave (it was E's car, he lives very far away and I left my stuff at his house). Eventually she decided on a taxi. She went to talk to E about us leaving, and he said if we waited 5 minutes he'd be leaving too. So we drove home, I turned on my iPod to try and calm down a bit, and it helped. The further away from that place we got, the better I felt. We got home, and I felt shell-shocked. I curled up on the couch nuzzling into Serina, and felt a lot better.
Now, this is interesting. In my post about the bowling alley, this is pretty much where it ended. I had a shit time and I wish I didn't go. End Post. But I'm still writing. You know why?
Because I'm glad I went. I faced a huge fear of mine. I had opportunities to leave, but I stuck with it and tried to make it better. I got to know E. I got to see E and Serina's relationship for myself. Apparently a lot of people didn't like the place either, because the mood was all wrong, so I wasn't the only one who hated it. I went out to a real kink event. I went to the event as Serina's girly. My fears got a face to them, and now the next event feels less scary. I threw myself out into the world. And most importantly: Serina proved that she can keep the promise that she wouldn't abandon me, and that everything she's been saying about E and her, her and me, and E and me, are all true.
I am a lucky girly to have a mummy like this.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
The big sister
I got a message out of the blue the other night. It was from someone I hadn't seen in a very long time, and they said they had a new transgirl for me to meet and talk to, because she had a heap of questions.
First thing: they came to me. Me. Ylatch. Me. I was the first choice, too.
Second thing: she's a really amazing person. I can't even describe it really. I've only been talking to her for a few days, but I already feel a weird big sister vibe with her. She's really brave, and smart, and really really open about everything. It's great to finally meet someone like this, it's been so long.
She's been asking me questions, some really personal, and I've been talking to her about what to expect from transition, and hormones, and reactions, and everything. It's amazing that I'm in this position.
People like this remind me of why I wanted to do the intro-night for my transgroup: I had a lot of support, but before that I didn't have anyone. I want to give something back to this amazing community, while also providing something that I feel I didn't have when I needed it most.
And you know what? It feels fucking great to be in this position. To help people. To be someone people can turn to for any sort of guidance. It feels like I'm slowly finding my place, in a way.
First thing: they came to me. Me. Ylatch. Me. I was the first choice, too.
Second thing: she's a really amazing person. I can't even describe it really. I've only been talking to her for a few days, but I already feel a weird big sister vibe with her. She's really brave, and smart, and really really open about everything. It's great to finally meet someone like this, it's been so long.
She's been asking me questions, some really personal, and I've been talking to her about what to expect from transition, and hormones, and reactions, and everything. It's amazing that I'm in this position.
People like this remind me of why I wanted to do the intro-night for my transgroup: I had a lot of support, but before that I didn't have anyone. I want to give something back to this amazing community, while also providing something that I feel I didn't have when I needed it most.
And you know what? It feels fucking great to be in this position. To help people. To be someone people can turn to for any sort of guidance. It feels like I'm slowly finding my place, in a way.
Where we are
Serina and myself have been heavily reassessing Us.
She's my mummy. Note the non-capitalisation of that. It's not her title, even though I'd like it to be. She calls me her girly, though I'm mostly not, even though I really want to be.
Part of me wants to dive in, but I know that would do more harm than good. But sitting here doing nothing is really grating. I think her time with E has made her significantly less domly.
There isn't much to say on this, because it's mostly just a waiting game. I asked her if she would like more power over me (once again, this being something I really want) and she said maybe one day.
One day...
She's my mummy. Note the non-capitalisation of that. It's not her title, even though I'd like it to be. She calls me her girly, though I'm mostly not, even though I really want to be.
Part of me wants to dive in, but I know that would do more harm than good. But sitting here doing nothing is really grating. I think her time with E has made her significantly less domly.
There isn't much to say on this, because it's mostly just a waiting game. I asked her if she would like more power over me (once again, this being something I really want) and she said maybe one day.
One day...
Saturday, 14 April 2012
Removing the ceiling
I did it.
I quit my job. I feel pretty good about it, and the way I did it. And I'm glad I decided to go one more day, because today was terrible. Absaolutely horrible. And it left a nice seed in my mind that tells me I left for the right reasons.
I left on good terms with my boss, and pretty much everyone. I said bye to who I wanted to, sans one person, but it's ok. None of them were friends, they don't know me, or the reasons I left. Which is the way I want it.
This job made me feel like I had reached all I could right now, in terms of transition. I couldn't progress the way I wanted, I couldn't do anything overtly permanent. And now it's.... over. I can change my name. I can do what I want with my hair. I can wear what I want all the time. I can... be me
I quit my job. I feel pretty good about it, and the way I did it. And I'm glad I decided to go one more day, because today was terrible. Absaolutely horrible. And it left a nice seed in my mind that tells me I left for the right reasons.
I left on good terms with my boss, and pretty much everyone. I said bye to who I wanted to, sans one person, but it's ok. None of them were friends, they don't know me, or the reasons I left. Which is the way I want it.
This job made me feel like I had reached all I could right now, in terms of transition. I couldn't progress the way I wanted, I couldn't do anything overtly permanent. And now it's.... over. I can change my name. I can do what I want with my hair. I can wear what I want all the time. I can... be me
Friday, 13 April 2012
Work
It's come to a point where I just can't stay at the job I have now. I don't work that often, 5 hours every two weeks, but it still takes away too much energy and gets in the way of a big part of my life: transitioning.
I'm working this tomorrow, hopefully for the last time. I'm not telling my mother until after it's done, because she won't stop me from quitting and she'll get angry. So I'll tell her when I'm done.
I'm really scared though. Serina has been so helpful and supportive of everything lately, but I'm not going to see her all weekend because her and E are going to a kink event (one that I can't go to cos of work) so I kinda feel a little lost. I don't really know what I'm doing, how to approach my boss about it, or how to say it. All I know is that in 48 hours time I won't have to worry about going back again. I can't really talk to Serina either, because I have serious issues with the phone.
So I just have to hope I do ok by myself.
I'm working this tomorrow, hopefully for the last time. I'm not telling my mother until after it's done, because she won't stop me from quitting and she'll get angry. So I'll tell her when I'm done.
I'm really scared though. Serina has been so helpful and supportive of everything lately, but I'm not going to see her all weekend because her and E are going to a kink event (one that I can't go to cos of work) so I kinda feel a little lost. I don't really know what I'm doing, how to approach my boss about it, or how to say it. All I know is that in 48 hours time I won't have to worry about going back again. I can't really talk to Serina either, because I have serious issues with the phone.
So I just have to hope I do ok by myself.
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
The lion protecting her young
Tonight I was out with my trans group, which Serina is involved with as well. We were out eating somewhere, and we happened to like perving on attractive people as they walk past us. So we saw this one girl we liked, and watched her walk past us and behind us. There happened to be a woman sitting behind us, and asked "are you looking at me?" and we said no and turned back around. Then she said "are you a guy or a girl?". Serina turned as red as her hair and held my hand very tight for a while. I didn't think that much of it, it's happened before, and she's had to deal with this before.
She wouldn't respond for a while, and after we left the group she was still really angry. I didn't see what the big deal was, this has happened before, to both of us. I mean, it's a really shitty thing to say to someone, but I thought we'd both be used to it by now.
So I asked her why she was especially furious: "it was aimed at you".
I kinda stared at her for a minute while that sunk in. Someone had shown themselves to be a potential threat to me, and Serina got so furious she couldn't even talk for 15 minutes. I feel so protected around her. So safe. I'm her girly.
She wouldn't respond for a while, and after we left the group she was still really angry. I didn't see what the big deal was, this has happened before, to both of us. I mean, it's a really shitty thing to say to someone, but I thought we'd both be used to it by now.
So I asked her why she was especially furious: "it was aimed at you".
I kinda stared at her for a minute while that sunk in. Someone had shown themselves to be a potential threat to me, and Serina got so furious she couldn't even talk for 15 minutes. I feel so protected around her. So safe. I'm her girly.
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