Rusted wheel

It has been a big week. My brain is scattered, and I have no stable ground anymore. Even things have changed with Serina, something I thought would take a lot more effort to effect. I'm trying so hard to be optimistic about these changes, but it's hard.

A lot of the stuff on her end can be seen on her blog, and I've been rather quiet about my perspective. It's mostly because I don't really understand where this is going, and how it will affect me, me and Serina, and everything around Us. I'm confused, mostly.

But once again, it feels like I'm stagnating. I talked to Serina about it last night, even though I didn't really want to because talking about it doesn't help. I'm stuck in this spot on the highway, and watching all these people around me speed past, smoothly going over these speed bumps that took me out of the race. Especially Serina.

Serina going through this process into slavery has me naturally thinking about slavery in general. On one part, I'm insanely jealous that she has someone to push her and take her and tell her what to do, and I don't. On another part, I think that having someone to push me would trivialise any accomplishments I make. That second part is slowly becoming less and less important the more time goes by, because I just want something to happen, something to push me, something that I can do with my time and my life that isn't a video game. That, combined with the fact that giving power to someone else is a huge thing for me, and really scares me...

Serina has removed herself from my motivation, which is... I don't know. On one hand, I'm angry, on the other, it lets me try to motivate myself. But I don't motivate myself, and Serina knows this, which just made me more angry. Her words were that there's a vacuum there that she hoped would fill up. I can't help but wonder how likely she thought that was going to be. This happened right around the time of The Appointment as well, which may explain why that went so well. Feels a little bit like I was being taught how to walk, and then was entered into a marathon without my knowledge.

But at the same time, I'm trying not to be angry, because she has no obligation to be my motivation. Nor do I have any right to ask that of her or be angry at her when I don't get it. It doesn't stop the wanting though.