So since I know it'll take an eternity to make any progress, I've started looking for another Dom immediately. The first thing I did was to jump on FetLife and edit my page to say.... nothing.
There are no words that are coming out as to what I want, why I want it, or anything positive about myself. I went on CollarMe cos that place is fucked up and full of perverts, so I could be brutally honest to get some practice up because it just won't matter in a place like that. That didn't work either.
I looked through a bunch of other subs' pages to see what they wrote, and I'm left totally in the dark. It's like I'm missing some sort of feature that I didn't even know existed. Serina sent off a hundred thousand word document to her potential master about why she wants to do this, and did so multiple times. I got asked why I'd be a good sub by someone a while ago, and stared at him blankly, wishing the distance from the bed to the floor was enough to kill me. It wasn't, so it was really awkward for a while, until he finally broke the silence and just kinda said "forget about it".
I just don't really see anything of worth here. I'm a mess. I'm always confused, overwhelmed, stressed, angry... I feel like there's this black cloud always above me, or a swarm of tiny little monsters following me around, cursing me. They clutter up my headspace, and I'm in dire need of some real guidance.
After trying and failing, I realised maybe I don't understand this whole BDSM thing. So I asked Serina about it, and she linked me to something that didn't really help, and then said she doesn't understand what I don't understand about it all. Shit, I know this feeling. Then she said that saying I need help in my life is actually a draw. That blew my mind. How can that be something to display publicly? And better, how can that be something that attracts people? If that were true I'd have a line of Dom's around the block. So once again, square zero.
I feel like if I were really honest I'd scare everyone away. If I said I'm a mess and need constant help, I'd be shunned. On top of this, how am I going to get noticed? And what if the only ones who are interested are there for the wrong reasons, or aren't compatible with me? What if this is all too much to deal with for someone?
The worst part of all of this is the person I want is right there, but they don't want me in the same capacity...
Its ironic how we never see in ourselves the strengths others see in us.
ReplyDeleteFrom the minute I met you I have been in awe of your strengths and your weaknesses
your ability to be able to go out by yourself to a club to meet someone who again didn't show up , but still be open to meeting new friends
your ability to be honest with friends about your fantasies and desires ,
Your relaxed air of confidence when we have gone out for meals , And finally for at such a young age being involved with mentoring programs to help others come to ease?terms with their feelings
I for one think your fantastic amazing , and I am so glad to have your friendship
I only wish you could see the person I see
Im sure you'd fall in love with her