The real B

Post 101.

*: When I say family I mean extended family, my mother already knows.

Finally christmas is over. What a nightmare. In the week leading up to it I had a bout of immense depression every day, fearing my family because I'm not out to them. I broke down at my psych appointment, and closed right up and refused to open again. She tried to put my fear into a focused direction, and face it in a practice run with her, probably in an effort to show me it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. That just made things worse, and all I wanted to do was go home and lie in bed and never ever leave.

That night I thought about quitting transitioning, suicide, running away, and realised those were less terrifying than coming out to my family and I haven't really changed my mind either.

What I keep coming back to is that nothing will change. I came out to my mother over two years ago and nothing has changed. She still treats me like a guy, still refers to me as male, still calls me my male name. The only thing that's changed is I dress like a girl in front of her now, which I guess is something... but after two years?

I've been told that I'm just hiding myself from them, which I guess is true. But if nothing has changed with my mother after two years, it's not going to with the rest.

I'm not really sure what to do about this anymore. I hear it's nice in Queensland though.