It's been a while since I've posted here, there's been nothing to write about lately.
There has been this annoying transwoman who added me on Facebook a while ago. All she talked about was being trans, so I humoured her after getting a negative result asking her about anything else. She badmouthed a close friend and got pissy with me when I asked her not to anymore. I don't really like her much.
Last week she posted on facebook that she tried to kill herself a few nights previously, and I was struck by how little I cared. It made me feel a little uneasy with myself, it should have been something I cared about, even a little. But I tried to put it in perspective with Serina's help: I didn't know this person, I didn't like this person, and if she told me she was doing it beforehand I would have tried to stop her.
That last part was put into practice about 10 minutes ago. She said on Facebook that she was going to kill herself so I started talking to her to talk her down. Basically, it didn't work.But I don't feel too bad. I really tried to help, and I guess I did care.
We'll see if she actually goes through with it though...
Sunday, 24 July 2011
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
Learning experiences don't have to be world-shaking
I've been trying to write one of my usual long introspective posts on this, but it's just not coming. Which makes me realise I wasn't that emotionally involved. But, anyway, what I learned from my latest venture:
Submission should not be a chore in itself.
Submission should not be a chore in itself.
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
What I learned from trying makeup
The last few weeks have been devoted to learning how to put on makeup, the theory behind it, and finally the practice. What I learned from this experience is honestly not what I expected, as I only expected to learn how to put on makeup.
In short: I hate it, and hate wearing it.
It makes me feel heavy, and gross, and not myself.
I had a good teacher, who let me use her brushes and gave me tips as I went, and took me makeup shopping for some valuable things which I definitely see myself using often. But no matter what I did to myself, no matter how subtle, or how good my friend was when she took over, I disliked what I saw looking back in the mirror.
It made me think of what an older transwoman told me: It's about being happy with who you are. It just took me doing all of this to realise I didn't need it to be happy with my appearance.
In short: I hate it, and hate wearing it.
It makes me feel heavy, and gross, and not myself.
I had a good teacher, who let me use her brushes and gave me tips as I went, and took me makeup shopping for some valuable things which I definitely see myself using often. But no matter what I did to myself, no matter how subtle, or how good my friend was when she took over, I disliked what I saw looking back in the mirror.
It made me think of what an older transwoman told me: It's about being happy with who you are. It just took me doing all of this to realise I didn't need it to be happy with my appearance.
Monday, 27 June 2011
My first kink event
What a strange night.
I got ready quite anxiously, and cut my lip really badly. First time I cut myself shaving and it's on a big night. There was a lot of blood, and it took up a lot of time. Mum had given me taxi money because she doesn't like me going out on public transport late at night in girl mode, so after I got ready and calmed down I called a taxi and was on my way to meet Serina.
The taxi drove off from my house, and we almost got run off the road instantly by someone who didn't notice a police road block going the opposite way.
However, that was the end of the disasters for the night. I wore a new goth lolita outfit I got for my birthday, thigh high stockings with a garter, some nice blue frilly undies and my awesome boots. I was quite happy with my outfit, but nervous because I'd never worn anything like that in public before.
The taxi arrived in one piece, I met Serina in the city and she said I looked amazing which made me feel great. There was a freezing wind blowing, and was blowing up my skirt onto my bare thighs and making me extremely cold.
We hopped onto a tram, got lost, found our way again, made our way into the place, and got lost inside as well. It was so cool, random benches with chains and restraints, some cages, a dance floor, smoke machines, coloured lights, a fireplace, and a distinct smell of weed in the outside area.
Eventually we found Denis and Liz. (side note: I must remember to ask them if they need anything before they tell me they need something). After getting Denis and Serrina a glass of water each, we had a little play. For someone who doesn't like leaving marks, he sure leaves a lot of marks. It turns out I love being watched during sex, or play sessions, because it was really exciting doing this in full view of anyone who walked by, and a fair few did. A lot of the people I saw looked awesome, and sexy, and weird, and pretty much the type of stuff I expected to find.
I was surprised at the small crowd. From the way Denis talks about the place, it was a regular hangout for a lot of the U30's. None of them seemed to show up. I was looking forward to seeing some of them in their kinky best, but oh well, another time.
After a while Serina asked Denis if she could try what I call the gnarly hood, and be tied up. It was weeeeeeird seeing Denis work on someone else, but really cool. Then they played with her while I watched, and giggled at her screaming and growling at them.
We were only there for 4 hours, seemed like so much longer. I can't wait for the next event :D
I got ready quite anxiously, and cut my lip really badly. First time I cut myself shaving and it's on a big night. There was a lot of blood, and it took up a lot of time. Mum had given me taxi money because she doesn't like me going out on public transport late at night in girl mode, so after I got ready and calmed down I called a taxi and was on my way to meet Serina.
The taxi drove off from my house, and we almost got run off the road instantly by someone who didn't notice a police road block going the opposite way.
However, that was the end of the disasters for the night. I wore a new goth lolita outfit I got for my birthday, thigh high stockings with a garter, some nice blue frilly undies and my awesome boots. I was quite happy with my outfit, but nervous because I'd never worn anything like that in public before.
The taxi arrived in one piece, I met Serina in the city and she said I looked amazing which made me feel great. There was a freezing wind blowing, and was blowing up my skirt onto my bare thighs and making me extremely cold.
We hopped onto a tram, got lost, found our way again, made our way into the place, and got lost inside as well. It was so cool, random benches with chains and restraints, some cages, a dance floor, smoke machines, coloured lights, a fireplace, and a distinct smell of weed in the outside area.
Eventually we found Denis and Liz. (side note: I must remember to ask them if they need anything before they tell me they need something). After getting Denis and Serrina a glass of water each, we had a little play. For someone who doesn't like leaving marks, he sure leaves a lot of marks. It turns out I love being watched during sex, or play sessions, because it was really exciting doing this in full view of anyone who walked by, and a fair few did. A lot of the people I saw looked awesome, and sexy, and weird, and pretty much the type of stuff I expected to find.
I was surprised at the small crowd. From the way Denis talks about the place, it was a regular hangout for a lot of the U30's. None of them seemed to show up. I was looking forward to seeing some of them in their kinky best, but oh well, another time.
After a while Serina asked Denis if she could try what I call the gnarly hood, and be tied up. It was weeeeeeird seeing Denis work on someone else, but really cool. Then they played with her while I watched, and giggled at her screaming and growling at them.
We were only there for 4 hours, seemed like so much longer. I can't wait for the next event :D
Thursday, 23 June 2011
The concept of knowing literally nothing on a subject
Ugh. I've been driving myself insane trying to figure out makeup. I'm close to just giving it up, but if by some miracle I get some kind of handle on it I might keep trying.
Here's the thing: I know fucking nothing about makeup. Nothing. I know you can get different colours, the basic concept of where eyeshadow and eyeliner goes, and I'm well acquainted with foundation because I wear that frequently to hide facial hair. That's pretty much it. It's been a frustrating experience trying to get help and advice with it all as well because everyone assumes knowledge. My friend seemed to be really surprised that I don't have "nautral colours", whatever they may be, and just have black. To me they seem pretty unjust in their reaction. I've told them many times I know nothing about it.
Everyone I've asked is like "ok well first you need to get this and this and this then do this and this and that's pretty much it". Woah woah woah, slow the fuck down. I told you I know nothing, why are you giving me a billion steps at once? This shit isn't simple, no matter how much you think it is.
The problem is it's intimidating. It's scary delving into a new world. These people who I'm asking have years of experience behind them, even if it's just doing the exact same simple eyeliner every day. But they still have years of doing that behind them, and seem to assume that other beginners are on an equal footing. Well, some aren't.
The easiest thing to compare it to is making a 5 year old skip first and second grade and move onto third. It's still basic stuff, right? Well, yes, but there's a few key things to learn in the first two grades. Things you learn there and only there that will make things in third grade make any sense. I don't mean "make it make more sense", I mean "make it make any sense".
I didn't even know what a "compact" was until 20 minutes ago. Maybe the fact I had to ask my main source is an indicator that I'm not even at grade 1, let alone 3.
Here's the thing: I know fucking nothing about makeup. Nothing. I know you can get different colours, the basic concept of where eyeshadow and eyeliner goes, and I'm well acquainted with foundation because I wear that frequently to hide facial hair. That's pretty much it. It's been a frustrating experience trying to get help and advice with it all as well because everyone assumes knowledge. My friend seemed to be really surprised that I don't have "nautral colours", whatever they may be, and just have black. To me they seem pretty unjust in their reaction. I've told them many times I know nothing about it.
Everyone I've asked is like "ok well first you need to get this and this and this then do this and this and that's pretty much it". Woah woah woah, slow the fuck down. I told you I know nothing, why are you giving me a billion steps at once? This shit isn't simple, no matter how much you think it is.
The problem is it's intimidating. It's scary delving into a new world. These people who I'm asking have years of experience behind them, even if it's just doing the exact same simple eyeliner every day. But they still have years of doing that behind them, and seem to assume that other beginners are on an equal footing. Well, some aren't.
The easiest thing to compare it to is making a 5 year old skip first and second grade and move onto third. It's still basic stuff, right? Well, yes, but there's a few key things to learn in the first two grades. Things you learn there and only there that will make things in third grade make any sense. I don't mean "make it make more sense", I mean "make it make any sense".
I didn't even know what a "compact" was until 20 minutes ago. Maybe the fact I had to ask my main source is an indicator that I'm not even at grade 1, let alone 3.
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
Hero worship
Looking up to someone is dangerous. It skews your view of them, makes them seem different to how they really are. Larger than life. It's really rare that I find someone I look up to so much that they become my hero, so rare that it's only happened once.
When I was in high school, I was having a lot of trouble. Not just with school, with life. I was unhappy and just barely passing my classes. When I got to year 11, I got the option of doing multimedia. I really wanted to try some of that stuff for ages, so I gave it a go. I loved it, and picked it all up instantly. I also loved the teacher, he helped me learn so much in those two years until I graduated.
At his core, he was chaotic, and always full of positive re-enforcement. He was creative, brilliantly mad, and the first teacher of mine I could call a friend. He let me stay in the multimedia room after school, and left me to my own devices when I worked. I liked it that way. He was amazed at how fast I picked up Dreamweaver and Flash, and he even wanted me to help showcase what we can do during the schools open night.
He saved me. I was in a deep depression at the time, and he pulled me out of it. I was angry, and sad, and lonely. The work was inspiring to me, and he was a hugely positive element in my whole 2 final years of high school. My grades in other classes picked up, and I got happier.
He was a bit of a shady character too. He gave me a bottle of wine when I graduated, and my first drug experience for my 18th birthday.
Tonight I found out that he was having sex with a minor. That shattered my view of him. There's no way to sugar coat this. My only hero is a paedophile. He has a wife and two kids, all 3 of which I've met a few times.
He's in jail now, I guess. He may as well be dead to me.
When I was in high school, I was having a lot of trouble. Not just with school, with life. I was unhappy and just barely passing my classes. When I got to year 11, I got the option of doing multimedia. I really wanted to try some of that stuff for ages, so I gave it a go. I loved it, and picked it all up instantly. I also loved the teacher, he helped me learn so much in those two years until I graduated.
At his core, he was chaotic, and always full of positive re-enforcement. He was creative, brilliantly mad, and the first teacher of mine I could call a friend. He let me stay in the multimedia room after school, and left me to my own devices when I worked. I liked it that way. He was amazed at how fast I picked up Dreamweaver and Flash, and he even wanted me to help showcase what we can do during the schools open night.
He saved me. I was in a deep depression at the time, and he pulled me out of it. I was angry, and sad, and lonely. The work was inspiring to me, and he was a hugely positive element in my whole 2 final years of high school. My grades in other classes picked up, and I got happier.
He was a bit of a shady character too. He gave me a bottle of wine when I graduated, and my first drug experience for my 18th birthday.
Tonight I found out that he was having sex with a minor. That shattered my view of him. There's no way to sugar coat this. My only hero is a paedophile. He has a wife and two kids, all 3 of which I've met a few times.
He's in jail now, I guess. He may as well be dead to me.
Friday, 17 June 2011
First time trying on a corset
I've had so much kinky stuff here lately, time for something different.
Today Serina and I went to a nice gothic clothes store with the goal of spending some of my birthday money on a nice new outfit. I'd been in this shop before and seen a skirt I fell in love with, and went back hoping but not expecting it to still be there and in my size. Amazingly, it was still there and in my size. I immediately grab it and ask if I could try it on, and if I needed a peti with it. So, I went in and threw it all on with just my lame blue top I was wearing and it looked and felt amazing. It was so comfortable, and so light, and suited me, and fit me! The girls at the store said it looked great, but I clearly needed a top. So they rummage around for something in my size that would suit it.
Some were meh, some were great but didn't fit. Then they got this one out from the back. It was perfect. I looked at myself in the mirror for ages, thinking it was amazing. It was a big eye-opener for me. For ages, I've wanted to dress goth/lolita but thought it would never ever suit me or that I would find something in my size. Today shattered that belief and now has me wanting to throw out all of my old clothes and wear all goth all the time.
Serina's jaw hit the floor when I came out of the dressing room in this wide skirt and lolita top that fit me perfectly and matched and looked awesome. The girls at the store said I looked great too. Then something I wasn't expecting happened: I tried on a corset.
It felt amazing. Like, I can't even describe how it felt. It was tight in all the right ways, it was constricting, it was feminising. I felt attractive in it, and most of all I felt small. I felt skinny, and petite, and delicate. I wanted so bad to get it too, but I couldn't justify it.
I walked out of that store with a new outfit and a whole new outlook on how I wanted to look. I can't wait to show off what I got :D
Today Serina and I went to a nice gothic clothes store with the goal of spending some of my birthday money on a nice new outfit. I'd been in this shop before and seen a skirt I fell in love with, and went back hoping but not expecting it to still be there and in my size. Amazingly, it was still there and in my size. I immediately grab it and ask if I could try it on, and if I needed a peti with it. So, I went in and threw it all on with just my lame blue top I was wearing and it looked and felt amazing. It was so comfortable, and so light, and suited me, and fit me! The girls at the store said it looked great, but I clearly needed a top. So they rummage around for something in my size that would suit it.
Some were meh, some were great but didn't fit. Then they got this one out from the back. It was perfect. I looked at myself in the mirror for ages, thinking it was amazing. It was a big eye-opener for me. For ages, I've wanted to dress goth/lolita but thought it would never ever suit me or that I would find something in my size. Today shattered that belief and now has me wanting to throw out all of my old clothes and wear all goth all the time.
Serina's jaw hit the floor when I came out of the dressing room in this wide skirt and lolita top that fit me perfectly and matched and looked awesome. The girls at the store said I looked great too. Then something I wasn't expecting happened: I tried on a corset.
It felt amazing. Like, I can't even describe how it felt. It was tight in all the right ways, it was constricting, it was feminising. I felt attractive in it, and most of all I felt small. I felt skinny, and petite, and delicate. I wanted so bad to get it too, but I couldn't justify it.
I walked out of that store with a new outfit and a whole new outlook on how I wanted to look. I can't wait to show off what I got :D
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