The comfort in a collar

For the last few months it's been a regular thing for me to spend monday and tuesday nights at Serina's house. As our relationship has progressed and become more stable, I've taken to wearing a collar when I'm around her. I love it. It makes me feel safe and happy for some reason.

This last week I didn't go to her house, and until today I haven't seen her for about a week. Yesterday I was really missing the collar, so I got out an old one of mine and wore it around the house. It made me feel safe and happy again, but not as much as when I'm around Serina, so I took it off after a short while.

I told Serina that, and she melted on the spot. I don't know why, I guess I'm just unfathomably adorable.

She's coming over early tomorow because she'll be in the area. She left my collar here, and said I'm allowed to put it on myself before bed so I can sleep in it. I'm actually really really excited about that, even if it won't be with her.

Songs that fill me with energy

Ahhhh music. My first love.

Every now and then there comes those songs that fill me with amazing positive energy and leave me feeling charged long after they're finished. This is a list of them. This will be updated frequently and songs will be put in no significant order, just when I remember them.

Strange Times, by The Black Keys
Reptilia, by The Strokes
Smash, by The Offspring
Wreath of Barbs, by wumpscut
Bounce, by The Cab
Mountain song, by Jane's Addiction
I Feel You, by Placebo (covering Depeche Mode)
Pure Morning, by Placebo
Ich Will, by Rammstein

Odd cravings

A while ago I got my favourite skirt ever and a very nice top to go with it. They're very lolita and are the only two lolita clothes I have. I love them sooooo much and I want more lolita clothes.

I've only worn them out twice: the first time it did not get a good reception. The second time was to the movies with friends, and then straight home.

Every day I seem to take a lucky glance at them, and sigh heavily. I want to wear them out one day. On a nice day, with the sun out, where I'll be seen. It doesn't seem like such a big ask but the only day in the last 2 months that have fitted the bill I was too depressed to leave my room, let alone get dressed up and hit the town.

The day is coming. Soon...

Slowing to a hault

I haven't written anything here for ages, except that depressing thing I wrote yesterday.

Nothing has been happening though. No revelations, no self discovery, no gender issues... I kinda think it's a good thing, in a way. No news is good news, right?

I think why I haven't been writing here is because nothing has been solid lately. I think one thing and then change my mind instantly. I get happy about finally getting some money in, and then get sad for the same reason. I try to work on my voice and it doesn't work. That's a lie, I haven't tried to change my voice in about 5 months. It's too defeating. I think at around this time of night, "tomorrow I will wake up, psych myself up and then work on my voice" but it never happens. I can't even place why it's so defeating, but I hear a lot of people struggle with this.

I feel like I'm just meandering around right now.

My little dark cave

I'm not very happy today. I woke up after about 11 hours sleep, and stayed in bed for another 2 hours before getting up for a short while. Then I lost my temper with something and just went back to bed, which is where I'm writing this.

I had an argument with Serina. Or more like she threw words at me for an hour while I took it. Either way, it really threw me, because it came out of nowhere. It put me back into a place I haven't been for a very long time...

I get depressed occasionally. Not as often or as intense as I used to, but it happens. I used to spiral out for days at a time with no desire to do anything except sleep. I'm glad it hasn't happened again for so long, there is no part of that I missed. But it's how I feel now. I'm in bed, mum's out of the house which I would usually take advantage of with loud music and naked dancing, but I'm just in bed playing Rock Band and pretending I'm not starving and really need to pee because I don't want to leave my room.

I'm mostly confused. I don't really know what happened yesterday. When I said that she just threw words at me for an hour, I mean it. I tried to say things but she wasn't receptive. I still don't know why I didn't just leave. I even asked her what she wants me to do to change what was wrong, and she said "nothing". Well that's helpful. So I just spent the rest of the night with her pretending I was ok.

Part of me is scared that I let people have this effect on me. I thought I wasn't this far away from what I was earlier this year, but here I am, hiding away in my dark cave because of what she said and what she thinks. Before, I was too closed off. Now, I'm too exposed. I don't know where the middle ground is.

I think backing off for a while would be good, but to what end? Isn't this the point of being with someone? To open yourself up to someone?

Suicide

It's been a while since I've posted here, there's been nothing to write about lately.

There has been this annoying transwoman who added me on Facebook a while ago. All she talked about was being trans, so I humoured her after getting a negative result asking her about anything else. She badmouthed a close friend and got pissy with me when I asked her not to anymore. I don't really like her much.

Last week she posted on facebook that she tried to kill herself a few nights previously, and I was struck by how little I cared. It made me feel a little uneasy with myself, it should have been something I cared about, even a little. But I tried to put it in perspective with Serina's help: I didn't know this person, I didn't like this person, and if she told me she was doing it beforehand I would have tried to stop her.

That last part was put into practice about 10 minutes ago. She said on Facebook that she was going to kill herself so I started talking to her to talk her down. Basically, it didn't work.But I don't feel too bad. I really tried to help, and I guess I did care.

We'll see if she actually goes through with it though...

Learning experiences don't have to be world-shaking

I've been trying to write one of my usual long introspective posts on this, but it's just not coming. Which makes me realise I wasn't that emotionally involved. But, anyway, what I learned from my latest venture:

Submission should not be a chore in itself.