Mass Effect 2 log

Game completed. Fucking amazing. I think it's probably one of the best games I've ever played. The start was so jarring, after getting to know ME1's mechanics so well. I actually really liked some of the characters, so much so that I felt really sad when we found out about Tali's father, and Jack's history.

Time to complete: 27 hours.
Route: Female Full Paragon Vanguard
Aquired squad members: All 10
Loyal squad mebers: All 10

Surviving squad members: All 10
Relationship: None, I was going for a heartbroken about my ex asari lover being a bitch and broke my heart angle

Wait, 27 hours? What the fuck man. What game takes 27 hours to finish?

Going to replay ME1 again as male Renegade Shepard, then import and play ME2 following the same pattern. Will import my female Paragon Shepard for ME3 when it comes out. I like her voice (and ass)

Personality

I was talking to my friend tonight, he is also trans. He runs a trans youth group and does a very good job of it. We were talking about how to improve the group, and that lead on to talking about transsexualism on a level that I haven't touched on with most people.

I asked him a question, but before I say what it was I need to put it into context to understand the weight behind it.

If you're trans, it's so easy for it to consume your life. When you're starting out, it's all you think about. You just wonder, how will I make it? Even if you're aware of it this possibility, it's still possible to let it devour you. When you're a bit further along, you wonder about things to make you pass more. Even later, there's The Op to think about, having a relationship, work... Literally everything in life is centred around gender, that's why it's so easy for people to fall down this trap.

It's hard to get past that thought pattern once you've been there for so long. So you stay there. Ultimately, it's easy to become one of those trans people who can only talk about being trans, like they have no other personality trait. I've met loads of people like this, which is one reason I decided to get out of the community for a while. I've made a conscious effort to not end up like that, and so far so good.

Now, the question is what someone asked me, after saying what I just said above, and told me to keep it in the back of my mind:

What will you do after you transition?

How my body works

I have no idea.

It was probably 2 months into hrt that I masturbated for the first time. Holy shit. What happened was amazing, and unexpected. I felt it through my whole body. And then right afterwards, the afterglow I guess, just made me warm for ages. So of course I made it a regular thing again. Not as often as I used to though. Every 4 or so days, until I was on orgasm restriction a month later anyway.
What I've noticed in the last year is how hard it is to actually orgasm now. I've since gotten over masturbating regularly and now do it when the mood strikes me, which isn't very often. I tried this morning, and even though I was really horny it took ages to actually finish. It still felt amazing, but it was harder to get there. It's going to get harder to get there as time goes on, which is just one of the many changes hrt has.

Counter-productive

My gaming to-do list just took a huge step in the wrong direction, with me buying Crysis (it was $4! How could I possibly resist!) and Mass Effect 2 (it was $10!)

I mostly bought Crysis out of curiosity. When it came out it was the best graphics everrrrrr and needed to be run on some kind of amazing computer from the distant future. Fortunately for me I have a computer that is from the present and thus, from Crysis' perspective, a future-computer.

And Mass Effect 2, well, how could I turn that baby down?

New home

My online home for the last 6 years is pretty much dead to me now. The only people who are left hold no appeal to me. This is a place that kept me sane when I was feeling lonely and crazy. It got me in touch with people I had things in common with, rather than people I was forced to see everyday at school. And now it's meaningless to me. I'm only still there because of the memories it holds. But even those are starting to feel meaningless. I've been phasing myself out of the place for a few months.

At the same time, I see my friendship with my best friend decaying in front of my eyes, and he does too, but there isn't much we can do about it. Our lives are changing in very different ways, and what little that brought us together doesn't seem like enough to hold us together. We're still friends, no doubt, but we're not as close as we used to be. It's sad, but I guess it's just a natural progression.

It's rather symbolic that these two things are happening around the same time, because we met on that site. This, combined with the fact I hate where I physically live, right now I feel like I have no where to call a home. So what now?

Find another one? Make another one? Opt to not have one?

This is new territory for me, and I don't think I like it much...

False anxiety/experimentation

I get most of my anxiety from my mother. Until recently I thought it was just how I am. On the first night I went out in girl mode I met an amazing transwoman who said she could tell that under my shy exterior was someone with confidence waiting to burst out. I thought she was talking out of her ass to be honest, but it's actually kinda true.
A lot of events and my general attitude have lead me to believe that it's mostly my mother's influence on me which created this anxiety. I won't get into details but the more I think about it and specific events I realise she is very much a nervous and anxious person.

I call what I have false anxiety, because it doesn't belong to me. It was handed to me. I have the anxiety without recalling an event that caused it. Granted, I was shy when I was growing up, but aren't a lot of kids?

This isn't all bad. At least I'm aware of it, and for the last year or so my motto has been Be terrified, do it anyway and it seems to be working out pretty well. It might never really go away, but I'm determined to stop it being a force in my life.

I met someone I had been talking to online for a short while recently, someone who reads my blog here. He mentioned my anxiety about a recent event and I told him to just pretend my anxiety doesn't exist because it's the only way it will go away. It's like Freddy Kruger: the more power you give it the more it will haunt you. I don't want to give it power, which is why I like hanging out with people who don't know about it because to them, it doesn't exist in me. If people know about it they account for it and give me permission to use it as an excuse, which I do too often to be healthy.

Over the last year I've been determined to try new things and expand my comfort zone. What's the only way to expand your comfort zone? Catapult yourself out of your small one and into new lands to be conquered. Amazingly, I've had positive results (mostly). This has lead to me wanting to try new things. Things I've never even heard of or imagined.

It's cool what happens when you just let go of the fear for even half a second.

One year, pt2

Yesterday was the anniversary of the day I started taking hormones (I call it my tranniversary)

I spent the day in the city with 10 friends, doing a photo scavenger hunt I organised. Everyone seemed to love it! The only thing I wasn't happy with was that 3 really good friends canceled last minute. They're notorious for canceling on me. It looked like they'd actually be coming to it, then last minute they say they can't make it. Disappointing. But besides that, the day went really well.

Then last night was a fundraiser a trans youth group I've been a part of for a while. It was awesome. Everyone looked amazing, and even I dressed it up a bit.

Everyone I knew wished me a happy tranniversary, which was so nice. But then friends gave me gifts! Is this normal? I got some new nail polish from two friends, and I can't wait to try it cos apparently it does something special. And then some other friends came over with two wrapped gifts... how mysterious. One was a mirror, with a really long and really sweet note on the back. I have no idea how she writes so beautifully, it made me cry a bit. The other was a new hairbrush with my name on the back. I spent most of the night with the person who gave me the mirror, who had her arm around me.

After heaps of drag shows there were speeches from the 3 organisers who make the group possible. Hearing what they had to say, and then what the host of the night had to say about the group (she is also trans) made me realise how fucking amazing this is. Not that I didn't get it before, but it's pretty special. 3 years ago when I was looking for a trans group to talk to and meet people, there was pretty much nothing at all. I emailed probably a dozen places, and most just sent back a copy/paste message that directed me to somewhere else. It was not good. And then, when I finally manage to get to a group, it's totally alienating. Everyone was way older than me and it wasn't a very welcoming environment for someone just starting out.

But now, there's us! And I'm quite proud to be here.

When I got home, I just wondered how the hell I'd made all these amazing friends.