Vanilla

My friend told me she's seeing a guy who is "into whips and chains" but it's not her thing. She just does it sometimes for him. But it doesn't do it for her.

I hear kinky people say they don't do vanilla sex, and I've heard stories of really kinky people breaking up with amazing partners just because they're vanilla. Because it doesn't do it for them.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, the concept of vanilla versus kink. I've had a lot of vanilla sex, and a lot of kinky sex (or at least sexual acts with other people), but I haven't really thought about the difference and how they effect me. Nor have I really known why I prefer the kink, to take the submissive role in the bedroom.

There's also a word I keep coming across in relation to kink: Lifestyle. I used to think that people threw this word around a bit when it didn't fit. I used to see the "lifestyle" as being a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship in all aspects of life, but I've come to see it's not. It really is a lifestyle for pretty much all involved, including me. I don't think I could be with anyone who didn't like tying me up and calling a fucking whore, just like I couldn't be with someone who didn't see me as female.

Apparently I'm an It

On the way home last night, I passed by some drunk people.

They tried to get my attention, but I kept walking. They yelled at me to turn around, I kept walking. They swore at me, and I still kept walking (even though I wanted to run, but I knew that would make them chase me). One of them asked "Is that a guy or a girl?"
"I dunno... it's like.. a she-he.. it's an It"

They kept talking, but I was too far away by now to really hear any more. Man, people are dickheads. I split up from my friends right before this, maybe going everywhere alone is not a good idea anymore. I've been yelled at before, but this was the first time I actually felt threatened.

Searching for an angel

I've made a new friend. And by writing what I'm about to write, it's guaranteed I will never show her my blog.

She's... troubled. To put it lightly. I feel sad for her. This is potentially dangerous for me, I usually end up trying to save people like this. What's worse is that she seems to be reaching out to me. She opened up her soul to me when we met this week, and I listened, and hugged her.

I said she's reaching out to me. This isn't the first time that's happened. She's just the latest in a long line of people who chose me and me alone to open up to, to admit their addiction, their vices, their fetishes that would turn away anyone else, their mental state, their issues... whatever is negatively impacing these people on a deep level, they decide to share with me.

Why do people pick me, though? Am I really that understanding? I've known this person for a little over a week, yet she pours out her heart and soul to me on a whim. Once again, this is a regular thing for me, not only do people tell me their deepest darkest secrets, it's usually one of the first things they tell me.

It's a mystery to me. Maybe it's about some kind of unspoken I'll show you mine if you show me yours deal where we trade devastating secrets back and forth.Well I've made it clear no one is getting down that far into my head (again).

No doubt about it though, it's an effective way to really get to know someone. She'll be disappointed if she thinks anything will come of this though. I can't help her beyond being a shoulder to cry on occasionally.

Argh it's so blue!

Wednesday, I had someone over. I'm currently being considered by them to be their sub.

Since I don't like using names in my blog, I will just call them D from now on.

Even though I have been someone's sub before, it was under very different circumstance to how D operates. There is very little to compare, which is a bit strange to me. I didn't realise how different people's styles were in this regard, not that I thought it was all the same. I think part of it is (big surprise) a change in genders. Not my gender; theirs. D is the first man I've been with in a while, and the first male dom.

Not only that, I haven't submitted to anyone in a long time. It's easy to forget stuff when you have no need to know it. So, D said I should look it up, learn what I can. That's what I'm doing now. He also gave me some things to think about, which I'm pouring myself into.

Not really up to sharing the details of what happened when he was over, mostly because almost all of it is a blur I barely remember, but at the end I learned a valuable lesson. I was in a hood for probably an hour and a half, and of course the point of that is to not be able to see anything, among other things. Now, in my room I have strung up fairly lights. Blue ones, just to fit my colour scheme. They're not that bright, but when you've been in total darkness for a few hours, you might as well be staring at the sun when it comes off. It felt like the light pierced my brain and burnt through the back of my skull when the hood finally came off.

The lesson: No more blue fairy lights during a session.

Undies!

Man, what took me so long to get girls underwear?

I was out today with a new friend, who is trans and full-time female. We were joined by a ftm friend as well. We were sitting in my favourite park, and at one point the topic of underwear came up, and I said to them that I needed some girls undies, and they said "Sweet! Let's go!"

So we went to some places to get a bunch of different types, some fancy and skimpy, some just plain for everyday wear. Tried some on in a bathroom and showed them. So comfortable, I dunno what I was waiting for!

Second chance?

I'm pretty forgiving. I have a really long history with someone, even though I only knew her for half a year. We went through a lot.

They have contacted me again...

I'm not sure how to feel, or what to do. Should I tell them to fuck off? Should I talk it over with them? Should I reply at all?

What my mind keeps going back to is that it was the loss of a close friend, not a lover/Mistress. I do not want them back in that capacity, but we got along so well. It seems like such a shame to lose someone like that. She was one of the few people I could tell literally anything to. I don't expect it to go back to how it was, if I say I want to be friends again.

She contacted me to say sorry, and to explain what happened. She did not say that she wanted to see me again, but she said she won't even try to ask me something like that because she thinks I hate her guts. How strange, I thought she hated me all this time.

Do I want to be her friend again? Can I forgive her? After all the pain, and insecurity, and insanity, and lies I had to put up with?

The fact I don't know is very worrying...

Acceptable targets

Hanging out with someone who always speaks their mind is a strange experience for me.

We were talking about people we know, and poking innocent fun at them, but then it got really heavy. Talking about one guy's self-centred attitude, another's annoying speech patterns, another's problems with someone else... I called him on it a few times, but it kept going back to this really heavy shit.

I said to him, "I wonder what you say when I'm not around" and he said
"Nah, I don't say much. You don't have as many issues as those guys"

That kinda blew my mind. He went on to say how I'm well rounded and just overall more calm than the others. I'm not really sure why that means he can say these mean things about the others, maybe he can only make fun of people who are easy targets. But the way he said it made it sound like they were acceptable targets because of their issues.

Ultimately, what he said is harmless, but only because he didn't say it to them. Though, now I do wonder what he says about me when I'm not around. Probably something about how quiet I am. I don't give people much fodder for this stuff.