Body betrayal

I'm not happy with my body right now. If I could send it to the corner to think about what it did, I would. For once, this isn't about transitioning.

Yesterday was Hooked Up and I went with my usual group. This time, all of us were doing something, rather than just one of us. The event's usual crowd is always amazing and supportive, and they seem to be the only people I can properly engage with regularly and not freeze.

I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it. On the day, I wasn't much better. It's a nice distraction watching others do their hook thing, so my own hooks weren't on my mind much once we arrived. Eventually it was my turn, and I was suddenly terrified again. I started panicking on the table before the hooks went in, but pushed it down and got through it. Once the hooks were in, I knew something was wrong. They didn't constantly sting this much last time, and it took me about 10 minutes before I was able to sit up, let alone walk.

I went to watch the group pull that I was meant to be part of, and tried to stop myself from crying over not being able to join in. I was in too much pain, too dizzy and I was shaking.

Eventually my friend finished with the group pull (which was amazing, she did so much. I'm as jealous as I am proud of her) I was feeling determined to do *something* with my hooks, so I asked if we could be tied together and pull off each other.

It was an amazing experience, even if it only lasted under a minute and resulted in me nearly passing out and then vomiting a lot. It was worth the stress and pain just for that short amount of time.

I'm disappointed in my body. I pushed myself as much as I could on the day, and I'm really proud of that. It just feels like it was a day that my body just wasn't willing to cooperate. It's very bittersweet.

Aggressive shell

Generally, I feel pretty worthless. I don't think I interest people, or appeal to them, so I don't try. Which just makes me feel worse, since then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate my Walls. It's crowded in here with all my Monsters. I feel so completely trapped in here, feeling alone and unwanted, I worry I'll never get out. It's a fucking nightmare living with someone who so effortlessly understands people and how to talk to them. It's like living with a mirror who just shows you all your inadequacies.

Not that it's their fault. This is me, and my feelings. I want to work on this, but I don't even know where to start. I can't spend the rest of my life alone. I need to engage. more, and get discouraged less.

Exit Planet Dust, part ɳ

I don't know what number I'm up to in this series, whatever.

I had my first laser and electro sessions in years today. I've officially started my hair removal process, and I'm extatic, despite being incredibly tired and sore. But this post isn't about that.

I was terrified to move out, but I did it anyway. I don't remember much about my emotions during the searching process up until signing the lease on a place, other than fear and the occasional spark of excitement. I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to do this, which pushed me through it when I wasn't completely sure, or ready.

Since then... I feel like a completely different person. Or rather, I feel like a cocoon, and will some inevitable day turn into a different person. That metaphor fell apart fast. Anyway, I feel as if I can see the horizon, and it's incredible motivation. Suddenly all the little bits feel like meaningful contributions, and things make sense.

I've gotten more confident, I can mostly take care of myself (to at least prevent my death), I'm still learning how to do money but I have help, I've had weird and amazing experiences I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home. It all begins at moving out. 2016, despite being pretty terrible globally, was pretty amazing in my own bubble. There was a lot of pain and confusion, but I see those for what they are: hard truths and learning experiences.

I'm excited to see the future. For once it seems like something worth putting effort into.

Acidic reframe

My new years night was interesting for me. I did some exploration, and felt like I had truly connected to my body in a new way. It's changed my perspective on it, and instead of seeing it as a blobby waste, I now see it as material I can work with.

I've had a goal for a while: fit back into my corset. But now I've added more short term ones that aren't to do with weight.

I want better legs, to have stamina, to get flexible. Working towards those will help achieve my main goal, and they actually have a use for me as well. I think I can make this work.

Weight again

I've been struggling with my weight for ages. A few months ago I was making good progress, but despite actually losing weight, that wasn't good enough for me. I hated exercising, I missed my favourite food, and I felt completely alone in my efforts. So I stopped, and I regret it.

I think I gave up when I was trying to find a way to enjoy exercise, and none of the info I found resonated with me. I figured it was impossible, and if I was still loathing it after doing it consistently then I resigned myself to never enjoying it, and gave up.


I'm going to try and push myself to do it again, even if it does make me unhappy and sore.

Perfect

I spend a lot of time waiting. The right moment, the right time, the right person, the right place... but it's dumb. I'm spending a lot of time thinking of later and I waste the now.

I've had a rough week. I went through another pretty bad body image episode, and I feel like I'm getting better. But it doesn't solve the problem. I don't like my body how it is, and I want to lose weight. I was successful at it for a while, and then I stopped because I hate the process and I missed the things I'd been missing out on (comfort food and energy drinks mostly). Now I realise I know how to lose weight, and I just need to keep going and start exercising again... except it's raid night so I can't, except I had junk food today so it's already a write-off, except I'm feeling shit, except whatever else.

It's not just with exercise, it's with a lot of things. Part of it is not knowing how to start some things, but mostly I'm just waiting for the universe to tell me it's time, when it should be the opposite. I want to do things, so fuck you get out of my way it's time to do it. That's how I want to be, instead of how I am now.

Self-medication

The way I got into the headspace of starting HRT again was to basically revert back to the early days. Trans 101, I suppose. I did all of the same things that I did back then, to remind myself of how I felt. It helped a lot, and reminded me why I started in the first place. One of the best things I gained during during transition was a large group of friends, which I'm slowly recovering.

Last night I went out to have dinner with a friend and some other people. I was quite anxious about it, and worried I wouldn't fit in since I'm pretty masculine. I debated not going, but knew I would regret that choice. This was going to be good for me, I need more friends and it would be good to do something that didn't involve my housemate.

I pushed myself, got ready and braved the night, and ended up having a great time. We talked about Overwatch, the MCU, shitty movies and other geek stuff. Despite it wearing me out extremely fast, I loved it. It was well needed, and I didn't even mind returning home to a dark empty flat. I just played WoW, talked shit at my guildies and called it a night.

This is a major thing for me. I actually did something good for myself that was social.

Relearning how to be friends

This is a weird one for me. I think since I've shut out so much of the external world over the last few years, I don't know how to have friends anymore. I'm so used to an environment where I can't have people over that it's a foreign concept to invite people over. Going out with people isn't a thing either since it was so hard for me to go anywhere.

I feel like I only have 2 friends, when recently it's become a lot more. But it's like I have social tunnel vision: I can't see the ones who are new because it's been the same way for so long. I'm absolutely terrible at multitasking my social-ife.

This is all on top of my shitty self esteem, anxiety and general fear of rejection. I feel paralysed, trapped and spiraling out all at the same time. But I'm learning, and growing, and I've met some really cool people lately.

Your better nature

As I move forward I notice the more external forces I have, the more interior I become.

I'm not used to seeing so many people, it's becoming hard to keep up. I feel my ability to relate to others is in a serious flux. I'm constantly second guessing myself and others' intentions. My self esteem feels like it's falling up and down an endless flight of stairs. I'm doing things I want, but am afraid of, because they might hurt.

I'm trying to absorb as much as I can. I have new friends, and thus am introduced to new energies. I want to hide and play Factorio all day, but I'm not. I need to remind myself: it hurts because you need to break before you rebuild.

Why latex

I've had a massive latex fetish for a while now. I don't really remember a time when it wasn't a turn on, either sexually or emotionally. Like it made sense on more than one level.

I'm sitting here with a latex hood on, and it's been on for a few hours by now. It's so nice, and despite being a size too small for my fat head, it's extremely comforting. I feel comfortable in it, and it only just hit me why.

I get overstimulated easily, and most of it feels like it's coming in through my head, which is why I'm kinda fussy about people touching my face and when I'm ok with kissing people. That, on top of the auditory stimulation, wears me down and makes it very hard for me to be out in loud environments and still be social.

The hood makes everything muted; it's like the world gets it's volume turned down. My hair doesn't bother me, there's latex over my ears so sounds have their edge taken off and there's a layer between my skin and peoples' touch. This makes me feel very internal, contained and safe. It makes me feel disconnected with the outside world, and able to approach it on my own terms.

The first time I saw a transgirl

Highschool was super confusing, and kinda numbing. I'd known I was at least bi for a few years and was a closeted crossdresser since then, out to very few. By this point I had made out with a guy, gone to a gay bar, and some sexual stuff.

I was at a pre-party with friends, getting drunk before a friend's birthday where a ton of people were going to be. I was tipsy and told my friends I liked wearing skirts, to which they said I should wear one for the night. And fishnet stockings. Sooooooooo... obviously... being the naturally timid and scared boy I was.... I did. I was rather drunk by this point, but it was incredible, freeing, terrifying and kinda liberating slash erotic

As if that wasn't pushing my adrenaline, I saw her. She went to our school right? I knew her, but she was different before. My friend said she had changed genders, and internally my heart did a backflip. That's a thing? You can do that? Could I...?

I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to know her and ask her what the deal was cos I want in. I didn't, I was scared. But at least I knew I wasn't alone, and was surprised that I had even felt alone with this feeling.

Something fancy

Just like last time, I wanted to make a note of the fact I had a blood test and didn't puke or feel dizzy, despite having a small anxiety attack in the waiting room before-hand. So here it is, yay.

But that's only part of today's story. I'm still feeling that fire, so I went to my doctor and talked to him about starting HRT again. Since I was forced to stop last time because I'd never seen a psychiatrist who cleared me for hormones, I went in thinking fuck it, I'll just bite the extremely slow moving bullet and get a referral and just have to wait the 9 or so months. So I laid it out for my doctor, and he said "Ah I see. Well it says here you were on progynova, so I'll write you another script for that and get your blood tested in a month to see how that goes."

Wait, what?

It turns out having a paper trail is actually handy. He didn't question it beyond what I took and how it felt when I was on it. So here I am, back on hormones, wondering if it was this easy all along. Then I'm reminded, no, it really wasn't. Part of it is being ready, and I wasn't until recently.

Abandon ship

I gave up updating this place. For a while I thought it was because no one read it, but that didn't stop me from writing like 100+ posts. So why did I leave? It has nothing to do with the previous post, or who it's about.

It was about myself. I'd lost all hope and faith in myself. I'm not the person I want to be, and instead I crashed and burned out spinning my tyres. This place was meant to be my place to articulate my thoughts better than my diary, to post the refined thoughts so I could come back and re-read it in clarity. Nothing was happening in my life, so there was nothing to post.

I have a fire lit underneath me again. I feel.... things, again. I want things, again. I have a small light I can follow, and if that doesn't pan out I have backups. I'm basically starting my transition again, except I'm already out to most people in my life, I have tits from my last round of HRT and I have girls clothes. But in terms of confidence and self-discovery, I'm back to where I was in 2008 (not a good place). But I know relearning is faster and easier than learning new things, so I have an advantage from where I was. So maybe it's like I'm in square 1.5?

Years ago I met a transgirl who was just starting out, and I'd been transitioning for a while so I gave her advice. That advice was the bullet or the pill, and for a while I felt as if the bullet was inevitable. I'm leaning towards the pill now.

Btw, no, not The Pills. I'm still on them and I still hate them.

Mental break

Things have been stressful lately. Getting back into the radio is making my anxiety fluctuate, things with Centrelink are stressful, I need to see doctors because I haven't been on hormones in I don't know how long.

And now on top of all of that, it looks like I'll be moving in the near future.

I really thought about just not taking this place and waiting for things to die down. Do I really need all of that shit on top of moving and suddenly being independent and living off my own money?

But I realised that even after these things die down, there will still be something else later, or no house to move to, or just anything. I need to leave. I can't live here. I'm spending so much energy on just existing in this place, it's impossible to have any sort of life here.

Invincibility and reality

So a while ago I found out someone I'd been following on YouTube is making a video game. Sonja suggested I ask her for an interview, and I jumped on it. I felt great, and excited.

Then reality set in, and the fear followed. I've resigned myself to knowing I won't do this, even though I want to. How often to you get to talk with someone you've looked up to for years?

I'm just really disappointed in myself. I thought I was better than this.

Panel

A while ago I was on a panel at a convention in my city. It was amazing. I didn't write about it earlier because the entire thing, while amazing and fun, was completely exhausting and I haven't had the mental energy to really think about it until recently.

The panel was for queer geeks, and it was apparently the first of its kind in Australia. It was pretty amazing, and really scary, to be up on stage not only in front of what turned out to be 60 people, but I was sitting next to some rather amazing people who had done some great things. It was great to hear them talk about things, and see the crowd react well.

I didn't say much, mostly because I didn't have much to say. Towards the end though, someone asked a question about queer representation in media, and I suddenly had a lot to say. I said I'm trans, and that there's basically nothing in terms of relatable characters/stories out there, and mentioned a little flash game I'd played a while ago that was about someone's transition. Someone in the audience raised their hand for the microphone and he said that he'd played it to better understand his friend's lifestyle and I was completely blown away. I just looked at him and said that was completely amazing and this is why we need more things of that nature, and everyone on stage nodded with me and I saw people in the audience really taking on what I had just said.

It was... intense, and amazing. I was speaking in public and not making a dick of myself.

As nerve racking as it was, and even though my anxiety is completely opposing to this, I love the idea of doing this more often. I think I want to make a career within pop culture. Somehow...

Object

My friend, who is... kinda my sub at the moment (yeah that's a weird turn of events) is really into humiliation and objectification, to the point where she doesn't even want to be seen as a person anymore, but an object. This is in some future tense where she can't even make out a date.

It scares me though, and makes me sad. I went through these same feelings when Serina went to E to be his slave. Like, identical. But it only just hit me why. It's not because I project that onto me, and I'm scared it will happen to me. It has to do with my abandonment issues.

See, if my slut (sub) is merely an object, they cease to be human, and cease to be my friend, and able to interact with me on that level. Likewise, I was scared of Serina ending up in a similar fashion, and also sad that both of these people decided they'd rather that than be my friend.

It makes a lot of sense to me. It sucks, but it makes sense. With all that said, this is entirely in the context of it being permanent. Rendering my slut into an object for a day or two and treating them like an animal, or dirt, is hot as fuck. But if I can't even talk to her, or hang out with her, what's the point?

Monster vacuum

Maybe I hold onto my Monsters so tight is because, in a way, they give me comfort. They give me an excuse.

"Oh, I would be attractive, only if this changed"
"Oh, I'd be able to work, if that changed"
"Oh, I'll find someone, when these are changed"

But what happens when you get rid of the Monsters, and are still faced with those same problems? You can't remove a void, you can only fill it. Sometimes, it's really easy to fill a Monster-shaped hole with another similar Monster. It comes natural, doesn't it?

What happens when you bring down a Wall, and everything spills out? You have to find it all again, right? But what if you lose parts of yourself, or mistake a piece of the Wall for a part of you?

I hold my Monsters because, maybe, the evil you know is better than the evil you don't. But if the evil you know is slowly rotting you from the inside, can another one really be worse?

Reach out

It's amazing what happens when you make your wants known.

I placed a personal ad on FetLife for a crossdresser. I got a lot of replies, and I've actually been talking to a few fairly consistently. I've even got a date arranged in the near future with one.

I'm quite excited. I've wanted a boy for a long time. Now I get to have a crossdressing boy who wants to submit to me. Oh, this is going to be fun.

Why am I going back?

Last year I went to an event that I hated. I'm going back this saturday.

I feel... anxious and alone. I just want to talk about it with someone.

I want to find someone to play with on the night, get my ass beat, get zapped, tied up, just something. I've been feeling extremely isolated lately from no physical contact, and feeling somewhat... I don't know, ugly, unapproachable, like poison? I'm scared of not finding someone, or someone rejecting me.

This week, probably tomorrow, I'm planning on going to get my body waxed so I can't let my hairy ass be the thing to stop me.