Body betrayal

I'm not happy with my body right now. If I could send it to the corner to think about what it did, I would. For once, this isn't about transitioning.

Yesterday was Hooked Up and I went with my usual group. This time, all of us were doing something, rather than just one of us. The event's usual crowd is always amazing and supportive, and they seem to be the only people I can properly engage with regularly and not freeze.

I was extremely nervous in the days leading up to it. On the day, I wasn't much better. It's a nice distraction watching others do their hook thing, so my own hooks weren't on my mind much once we arrived. Eventually it was my turn, and I was suddenly terrified again. I started panicking on the table before the hooks went in, but pushed it down and got through it. Once the hooks were in, I knew something was wrong. They didn't constantly sting this much last time, and it took me about 10 minutes before I was able to sit up, let alone walk.

I went to watch the group pull that I was meant to be part of, and tried to stop myself from crying over not being able to join in. I was in too much pain, too dizzy and I was shaking.

Eventually my friend finished with the group pull (which was amazing, she did so much. I'm as jealous as I am proud of her) I was feeling determined to do *something* with my hooks, so I asked if we could be tied together and pull off each other.

It was an amazing experience, even if it only lasted under a minute and resulted in me nearly passing out and then vomiting a lot. It was worth the stress and pain just for that short amount of time.

I'm disappointed in my body. I pushed myself as much as I could on the day, and I'm really proud of that. It just feels like it was a day that my body just wasn't willing to cooperate. It's very bittersweet.

Aggressive shell

Generally, I feel pretty worthless. I don't think I interest people, or appeal to them, so I don't try. Which just makes me feel worse, since then it just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

I hate my Walls. It's crowded in here with all my Monsters. I feel so completely trapped in here, feeling alone and unwanted, I worry I'll never get out. It's a fucking nightmare living with someone who so effortlessly understands people and how to talk to them. It's like living with a mirror who just shows you all your inadequacies.

Not that it's their fault. This is me, and my feelings. I want to work on this, but I don't even know where to start. I can't spend the rest of my life alone. I need to engage. more, and get discouraged less.

Exit Planet Dust, part ɳ

I don't know what number I'm up to in this series, whatever.

I had my first laser and electro sessions in years today. I've officially started my hair removal process, and I'm extatic, despite being incredibly tired and sore. But this post isn't about that.

I was terrified to move out, but I did it anyway. I don't remember much about my emotions during the searching process up until signing the lease on a place, other than fear and the occasional spark of excitement. I do remember feeling a lot of pressure to do this, which pushed me through it when I wasn't completely sure, or ready.

Since then... I feel like a completely different person. Or rather, I feel like a cocoon, and will some inevitable day turn into a different person. That metaphor fell apart fast. Anyway, I feel as if I can see the horizon, and it's incredible motivation. Suddenly all the little bits feel like meaningful contributions, and things make sense.

I've gotten more confident, I can mostly take care of myself (to at least prevent my death), I'm still learning how to do money but I have help, I've had weird and amazing experiences I wouldn't have if I'd stayed at home. It all begins at moving out. 2016, despite being pretty terrible globally, was pretty amazing in my own bubble. There was a lot of pain and confusion, but I see those for what they are: hard truths and learning experiences.

I'm excited to see the future. For once it seems like something worth putting effort into.

Acidic reframe

My new years night was interesting for me. I did some exploration, and felt like I had truly connected to my body in a new way. It's changed my perspective on it, and instead of seeing it as a blobby waste, I now see it as material I can work with.

I've had a goal for a while: fit back into my corset. But now I've added more short term ones that aren't to do with weight.

I want better legs, to have stamina, to get flexible. Working towards those will help achieve my main goal, and they actually have a use for me as well. I think I can make this work.

Weight again

I've been struggling with my weight for ages. A few months ago I was making good progress, but despite actually losing weight, that wasn't good enough for me. I hated exercising, I missed my favourite food, and I felt completely alone in my efforts. So I stopped, and I regret it.

I think I gave up when I was trying to find a way to enjoy exercise, and none of the info I found resonated with me. I figured it was impossible, and if I was still loathing it after doing it consistently then I resigned myself to never enjoying it, and gave up.


I'm going to try and push myself to do it again, even if it does make me unhappy and sore.

Perfect

I spend a lot of time waiting. The right moment, the right time, the right person, the right place... but it's dumb. I'm spending a lot of time thinking of later and I waste the now.

I've had a rough week. I went through another pretty bad body image episode, and I feel like I'm getting better. But it doesn't solve the problem. I don't like my body how it is, and I want to lose weight. I was successful at it for a while, and then I stopped because I hate the process and I missed the things I'd been missing out on (comfort food and energy drinks mostly). Now I realise I know how to lose weight, and I just need to keep going and start exercising again... except it's raid night so I can't, except I had junk food today so it's already a write-off, except I'm feeling shit, except whatever else.

It's not just with exercise, it's with a lot of things. Part of it is not knowing how to start some things, but mostly I'm just waiting for the universe to tell me it's time, when it should be the opposite. I want to do things, so fuck you get out of my way it's time to do it. That's how I want to be, instead of how I am now.

Self-medication

The way I got into the headspace of starting HRT again was to basically revert back to the early days. Trans 101, I suppose. I did all of the same things that I did back then, to remind myself of how I felt. It helped a lot, and reminded me why I started in the first place. One of the best things I gained during during transition was a large group of friends, which I'm slowly recovering.

Last night I went out to have dinner with a friend and some other people. I was quite anxious about it, and worried I wouldn't fit in since I'm pretty masculine. I debated not going, but knew I would regret that choice. This was going to be good for me, I need more friends and it would be good to do something that didn't involve my housemate.

I pushed myself, got ready and braved the night, and ended up having a great time. We talked about Overwatch, the MCU, shitty movies and other geek stuff. Despite it wearing me out extremely fast, I loved it. It was well needed, and I didn't even mind returning home to a dark empty flat. I just played WoW, talked shit at my guildies and called it a night.

This is a major thing for me. I actually did something good for myself that was social.